Remembrance
by Shuri 'in a world of black and white
Summary: The true heroes are the ones no one remembers. Nobody remembers her pain, her scars, her demons. Nobody knows of the battles she fought. But he will, if no one else does, because she saved him from himself in the darkest hours of the night.
1. Prologue

_I'm really sorry if I just caused any confusion: I'm re-posting this story because I was having some technical problems with it. I haven't changed anything in the story, except for the latest chapter that I just added. Many thanks to my readers who have reviewed/added this story to their favorites, and I am so sorry I had to delete all of that. Again, thank you!_

_Well it's been a long, long time since I last wrote anything... but here I am, back again._

_I do not own the series, or the characters, or anything at all. I do own this story, however. And I really hope you like it. (Reviews are VERY much appreciated...)_

_This series will be heavily laced with angst, deaths, profanities, and reference to sex in later chapters. You've been warned._

* * *

Yzak Joule still remembers clearly the day the Second War ended.

The entire world remembers clearly the day the Second War ended. Everybody had lost something in one of the two wars. Some lost more than others, but there was not a single being whose existence was completely untouched by the tragic wars. The entire world had watched the last battle closely, knowing that their lives, all of humanity, could be extinguished.

The entire world remembers how the Orb army, led by the famous Archangel and Eternal, had risked everything to stop the annihilation of humanity. They remember how bravely Kira Yamato and Athrun Zala –the Freedom and the Justice- had fought, side by side. They remember Lacus Clyne's speech that opened their eyes to the real nature of the Destiny Plan. They remember how Cagalli Yula Athha had stood firmly with the founding beliefs of Orb. They remember the Destiny, the Impulse, the Legend.

They do not remember the countless lives that bravely fought their own battles. They do not remember that without these little battles, none of the glory of those _heroes _would have been possible.

They do not remember that each GOUF, each ZAKU, carried a pilot with a life just as amazing as those war heroes'. That each of these pilots had their own stories, legends that the world will never remember.

But he remembers.


	2. PHASE 01

The first time they met was toward the end of the First War, in the bridge of the Vesalius.

There would be a new arrival, Yzak had been told, to replace the losses of his team. There was no way that a ship with only one pilot could be a viable force anyway. He was still seething with anger at his commander's statement. That damned masked face and his knowing smile, saying that he, Yzak Joule, second chair at the military academy, a _ZAFT red_, was worth absolutely nothing alone.

He could go on fighting, even if he were the only one left. He was strong enough to defeat those infidels and to avenge his teammates…

Instantly, he felt a pang of pain in his heart. Rusty was killed in Heliopolis. Nicol, the innocent 15-year old _kid_, was brutally murdered by the Strike. Athrun blew himself up trying to avenge Nicol, and while he was later confirmed to have survived, he went AWOL soon after. And Dearka. Dearka had gone MIA right after a battle with the Archangel, and everyone knew that MIA really meant he was dead. Yzak Joule was the only remaining piece of the original Creuset team.

And nothing would ever be enough to replace his able comrades and friends.

He knew, deep down, that the administration was right. He _was_ useless alone. Hell, he was useless back then, when he could not do anything but watch his comrades die. If he had been able to kill the Strike. If he was even a split second faster, if he were the slightest bit _stronger_…but he wasn't, and they were gone.

The door to the bridge slid open, and Yzak Joule was momentarily paralyzed by what he saw.

It was a girl. The replacement was some stupid _girl_ who did not look old enough to be out in the battlefield to begin with.

"Shiho Hahnenfuss, reporting duty."

His blood ran cold. He could not believe that the administration thought she would be enough to fill the large, gaping hole left by his comrades. Something exploded inside of him.

"You've got to be kidding me! She's just a fucking girl! A _girl_, for Christ's sake… What the hell can she do out in the battlefield? Do they realize we're fighting a _war_ here?"

He took a breath to continue his angry tirade, but he was silenced by the girl's sharp glare. There was fire in her eyes –the kind of fire that was cold, angry, destructive. The kind of fire that made you savage. The fire that, all the while, kept eating away your soul.

There was no way Yzak could miss it; it was the same flame he saw in his eyes every time he looked into a mirror. The anger, bitterness, helplessness of being caught in the middle of a war he did not start. The last flicker of any normal human emotion left in him. The fire he was terrified of, because he knew, deep down, that it would eventually consume him whole.

And yet, somehow, it took his breath away as it danced in her eyes.

"Hold your fucking tongue, you chauvinist pig. If you were competent enough, then I wouldn't be here in the first place."

Shock quickly turned into hate as her spiteful words reached his ears. Yes, hate. Hate for someone who could not possibly be more competent than him, but scorned him anyway. She was too much like him. Too young, too fragile, too _weak_… Everything about himself that he hated with a passion.

How else could he explain the growing pit inside his stomach?

"I hope you survive your first engagement, you little twat."

"And I hope you'll be lucky enough to escape the STRIKE next time, bastard."

It did not help that her eyes were the same shade of violet as Dearka's. Yzak clenched his fist and stormed out of the bridge.

It was war from then on. Yzak hated her, although he was not sure if this violent reaction was caused because she was trying to replace Dearka and Nicol and Athrun and Rusty, or because she was a stupid _girl_, or because she was the first person he had ever met who did not seem the tiniest bit alarmed by his temper. No. In fact, she hated him back with as much passion, if not more, and she was every bit as explosive as he was. Every single time they came face-to-face in the ship, they would end up screaming at each other so loudly that occasionally, Le Creuset himself had to step in.

After a few small skirmishes with the OMNI, even he had to admit that she was more than a decent pilot. In fact, she probably was better than Rusty or Dearka. But what did that even mean? Yzak himself was a better pilot than Rusty or Dearka, but _he_ was still incompetent and useless.

And she continued to remind him of everything he'd lost and the part of him that was slowly being consumed by vengeance.


	3. PHASE 02

It was an exceptionally bad morning. The ship had another encounter with the opposing army, and the entire crew had been up the entire night. The ship had suffered serious damage, and one of the later replacement pilots had been killed in action. There was still tension everywhere on the ship, and the crew were exhausted.

Yzak sat alone in the cafeteria with a cold cup of coffee in front of him.

He did not know the replacement pilot well enough to grieve over the loss. The other pilot arrived only a few days ago, and there had been no time for fraternizing. Not that Yzak himself made any effort to get to know the pilot. In fact, he couldn't even remember his name. The war had made him weary of involving himself with others. It only made the inevitable parting more painful –whether it was through a transfer or through death. He often wondered why the older crew members were always so detached; he now knew why.

The administration must be really clueless about the front lines, Yzak scoffed inside. That pilot was average at best. Sending him to the Creuset team, expecting him to replace possibly the most talented pilots of the decade, was beyond a tall order. It must have been a joke on their part. A truly sick, twisted joke.

Anger started seething in him again. The replacement pilot only seemed to be another proof that his friends were gone, _forever_, from the world, and nothing would ever come close to filling the gaping hole in his soul.

The door to the cafeteria slid open, and he heard the clicking of the military boots behind him. He instantly knew who it was; he'd come to recognize those footsteps from a mile away.

"Get the fuck out of here, Hahnenfuss."

He saw long, flowing brown locks from the corner of his eyes, but he could not be bothered to actually look up and see her face.

"I've every fucking right to be here, you useless piece of shit."

"You're ruining my mood."

"As if you're ever anything _but_ pissed."

Her voice invoked a much more violent kind of anger in him. He stood up, facing those beautifully cruel eyes he'd learned to hate. He wanted nothing more than to gouge them out, throw her to the floor, maybe even rip her heart out.

Anything to make her shut up.

"I said, get the fuck out of here."

Shiho narrowed her eyes. They glistened with hostility. She felt the same exact way about him, and that thought was oddly comforting.

"So you think you can order me around, Joule?"

"My day's already been ruined. I don't need your face making it even worse."

"Because seeing _your_ face is the highlight of my day. You know, the door is that way if you need to go scurrying away in fear."

"In fear? Don't make me laugh, Hahnenfuss. Why should I be afraid of you?"

Shiho paused. Her expression suddenly became empty, and Yzak found himself staring at his reflection in her eyes.

"Because I remind you of yourself."

The world seemed to stop around him. He tried to retort –his defense mechanism was _screaming_ at him to do something- but no sound came out of his throat.

"Don't worry, Joule. I'm scared of you too."

Her words were cold and unfeeling as a knife, and they left him paralyzed long after she'd disappeared from the cafeteria.


	4. PHASE 03

That night he had a dream.

No, not a dream. _The _dream, the recurring nightmare that started the day Dearka went MIA.

Each of his comrades would appear out of the debris, leaving scathing remarks, blaming him for their death. Why, they would ask. Why did they die? Why was he still alive?

_Why didn't he help them?_

And those voices would leave another fresh cut in his already torn soul.

He knew that the nightmare was his own fault; it was his sorrow, his anger, his _guilt_ that forced him to relive his loss almost every day. He knew that his comrades would never blame him the way their ghosts did, and that they would never torment him for surviving. They would have been happy that _he_, at least, was alive. That was the kind of people they were.

If he'd learned anything through the war, it was that the supernatural was nothing to fear. The living, the ones in flesh and bone –those were the ones to be truly afraid of.

Like Shiho. Like himself.

Yzak turned over in his bed for the millionth time that night, trying to quell the shadows of his past. Then, suddenly, another voice joined the chorus of his friends.

"_Don't worry, Joule. I'm scared of you too."_

Those brilliant, empty, purple eyes.

"Fuck it all."

He spat out into the coldness around him, and buried his head in his hands. For a second, he could have sworn they were covered in blood. He scoffed at himself. He could sense insanity only an arm's length away.

Before he knew it, he was running out his door, trying to escape from the oppressive white walls of his room.

xoxox

He wandered to the very back of the ship, in front of the door that led into the back deck. That was his usual "spot"; he'd lost count of the nights he spent looking out into space through the huge windows, unable to face the demons in his dreams.

The door slid open, and he saw a shadow against the windows. He frowned and checked the clock. It was 2:57 AM. The only people up were those on duty, who had no business in the back deck as far as he was concerned.

His frown deepened when he realized that the shadow was Shiho Hahnenfuss.

He knew that it was probably in his best interest to turn around and leave. He did not need another face off with Shiho, not after what happened in the cafeteria. But some invisible force sucked him into the room.

"What the fuck are you doing here so late, Hahnenfuss?"

He inquired, expecting some kind of sharp response from her. She merely looked back at him in silence. The backlight hid her expression from him.

"What, you can't even think of some smartass reply? What's gotten to your head?"

"Shut the fuck up, Joule, or I swear I will eliminate your very fucking existence from this universe."

He scowled even more, which he himself did not even think possible. Her words sounded like her alright, but her tone was nothing like what he was used to. It was much softer and raspy, and it almost sounded weak. _Vulnerable_.

He took a few steps towards her, unable to identify the unsettling feeling in the bottom of his stomach.

"Go away."

Her whisper almost disappeared into the cold emptiness.

"Hahnenfuss, what is _wrong _with you?"

"Nothing. Get out of my sight right now if you want to sleep in peace tonight."

He shuddered at her words. _Sleep in peace_. Athrun's pained voice over the MS intercom announcing that Rusty was KIA. The Strike's sword slicing into the cockpit of the Blitz. The impact he felt, even inside the Duel, as both the Aegis and the Strike exploded and burst into flames. The panic and despair as he realized he had lost all communication with the Buster. If sleeping meant reliving those moments again, then sleep be damned.

He scoffed and took a few more steps. Shiho was going to have to think of a better threat than that.

"You still didn't answer my question. What the fuck are you doing here?"

He was being uncharacteristically calm, and it confused him. Apparently Shiho found it strange, too, and looked at him with an incredulous expression.

"What the fuck are _you_ doing here? And when did you learn to be so patient? It's scaring me."

His brain did not comprehend the words as well as it comprehended the tear stains down her cheeks.

She had been _crying_. The realization hit him hard. Shiho Hahnenfuss could cry. As much as the fire in her eyes invoked terror and hatred in him, he never realized that there was another person behind it. Violently angry, but also hurt and scared inside -very much like himself.

He suddenly felt as though he was meeting Shiho Hahnenfuss for the first time.

"What's wrong?"

Shiho widened her eyes, and he cursed himself inside. It was uncharacteristic of him, he knew, but he was not quite as heartless as most people considered him to be. Or was he merely trying to comfort his reflection inside her? He did not know.

"I didn't think you capable of a heart."

Her voice lacked the usual venom or the spirit, and her gaze was more grudging than angry.

"I didn't think you capable of crying."

She glared at him defensively, but she tore her gaze away and looked back outside the windows.

"I don't have the energy to argue with you right now. Just get the fuck out and leave me alone."

He ignored her and sat down on the floor, his back against the window. Then, after what seemed like an eternity, he heard her whisper.

"Joule, I hate you."

"I figured. I hate you too."

He saw Shiho slump onto the floor somewhere in his peripheral.

"How did we get here?"

_I'd like to know_, he thought.

* * *

_Just to clarify, Yzak remembers the moment when Athrun blew up the Aegis rather than when he actually went AWOL, because that was the more traumatic moment for him._


	5. PHASE 04

The Vesalius enjoyed peace for the next few days.

Yzak knew he probably should have welcomed it. Peace meant no fighting, which meant no casualties. _No more losses_. But idle time made it that much easier for his demons to appear, and he could sense himself slowly slipping away. He desperately needed an anchor, a distraction, to keep him away from his own guilt. Ironically, it was the cause of his troubles that now seemed to give him shelter.

He was training in the shooting range in a desperate attempt to occupy himself. He hadn't been able to sleep much since the night he saw Shiho cry. He knew that if he were thrown into battle at that moment, he most definitely would not survive. Even at that moment, his vision was spinning and his head was about to split open. But neither could he bring himself to face his nightmares.

His aim stayed perfect. He almost wanted to laugh at how well the ZAFT had trained him to be a killer.

A _killer_, that's what he was. Not a soldier, not a hero. He was a murderer, trying to wipe the blood on his hands by killing another. There was no such thing as glory in the battlefield. There was only death, and everyone was guilty.

Another pair of boots clunked against the hard floor, and he realized Shiho had walked in.

"Joule, you look like hell."

He scowled, well aware of the fact. He loaded his gun again and emptied a round.

"Fuck off, Hahnenfuss."

Shiho walked to the next booth, then looked back. The vulnerable girl he'd seen in the back deck was gone, and the able, cold soldier was back. Before, Yzak would have cursed at himself for betraying any sign of weakness to her; now, he simply concluded that they were even. If he'd met Shiho Hahnenfuss for the first time that night, then she was meeting Yzak Joule today.

Yzak Joule, the broken.

"Are you sure you should be handling a gun in your state you're in? I swear, I'm not going up to Creuset saying that you shot yourself because you couldn't fucking tell the target from your head."

He almost started to laugh.

"If I died, I'd be able to sleep in peace, wouldn't I?"

Shiho did not reply instantly, but shot at her target. Bull's-eye. Apparently she was as good at target practice as she was piloting a mobile suit.

"When?"

Yzak lowered his gun and faced her.

"When what?"

"Your scar."

He subconsciously raised his arm and traced the huge gash across his face. The battle wound from the Strike. What used to be a constant reminder of his humiliation and his determination to shoot down that damned MS. Even that no longer seemed to be enough to anchor him.

"Back in February."

"Does it still hurt?"

"…No."

She emptied her round. Her aim was impeccable, but the moment she stopped shooting her hands began to shake.

"How did it feel?"

"The scar?"

Shiho shook her head, and reloaded her gun with still shaking hands.

"When your team was plucked off one by one."

Yzak froze. Of course. Trust her to bring something like that up when he was near delirious, with a gun in his hand. He could not decide if he wanted to shoot her so she'd shut up, or if he wanted to shoot himself so he could stop listening. He replied after a moment of thought.

"I didn't even notice."

And he was not lying. Back when he was still in the process of losing, he'd been so consumed by rage that he did not realize what it meant to lose his comrades.

"I woke up one morning, and realized everything was gone."

They both emptied another round.

"Who did _you_ lose?"

Yzak decided that it was his turn to question. Shiho slowly lowered her gun and left it on the counter. She laid her hands flat across the surface as if to steady herself, but they were shaking harder than ever.

"My friend."

Instinct told him she was lying. Whoever she'd lost was more than a friend. But he didn't pry; perhaps he didn't want to know. Logic and sleep deprivation did not get along, especially not in his brain.

"How?"

"It was our first real combat. He was more experienced than I was, so he took the offensive and I stayed with the ship. But it was suicide, and he knew that… He lasted 12 minutes and 37 seconds before they blew up his GINN."

He wanted comfort her somehow, but he had no idea what to do. It had been such a long time since he felt anything other than anger or sorrow. It was almost as though he was learning to be human all over again.

"But no one remembers people like him. He was all I had, Joule. No family, no real friends, just him. And it doesn't even fucking matter."

Shiho turned to him, and he saw the vulnerable girl behind her eyes again.

"But people know about the Creuset team, and they know about the ones you lost. Tell me, Joule, what makes them all so goddamned special."

He looked down to his palms, and saw them covered in blood again.

"Nothing. Nothing at all, Hahnenfuss. They were normal people. Normal, and scared."

A killer's hands.

"Just like you and me."

That night, for the first time in a very long time, the voices left him alone in his sleep.

* * *

_A/N: Everybody knows about the Creuset team because a) it was the so-called "elite" team that everybody in ZAFT knew about, and b) Yzak, Athrun, Dearka and Nicol were all sons of Supreme Council members. This might have been another reason why Shiho was so aggravated by Yzak..._


	6. PHASE 05

The next mission of the Creuset team was to ambush the Archangel, which was taking refuge in the abandoned L4 colony.

It had been a while since the team last confronted their target ship. With the failure of Operation Spitbreak, the wars in Panama and Victoria, and with the Archangel defecting from the OMNI, ZAFT no longer considered the legged-ship to be as much of a threat. Militarily speaking, there were countless other issues the Vesalius should have prioritized.

But the commander's word was absolute.

"As you are both painfully aware, our ship only has a limited number of combatants."

Yzak never fully trusted the man who sat in front of him. There was something inherently wrong about a man who had to hide his face from the world. And he could not recall any instance where his commander had seemed even the slightest bit sincere.

"Despite the fact that the Archangel is no longer backed by the OMNI, it still has the Strike, the Freedom, and the Buster."

_The Buster_, he thought bitterly. The MS that belonged to his best friend now was an enemy. It was also seemed to be another proof that his friend would never return; whoever piloted the MS now was _not_ Dearka Elsman.

"I'll go out as well. Yzak and I will enter the colony in our mobile suits. Shiho, you will stay with the ship."

Yzak glanced at Shiho, who stood beside him. She flinched, but her expression betrayed no emotion.

"Both be ready to launch in 15 minutes. The operation starts at 1400 sharp."

Yzak and Shiho saluted and briskly walked out of the commander's quarters.

They walked to the hangar in silence. A few days ago, even that short walk would have been accompanied by numerous insults and shouting. But for some reason, Yzak no longer felt the need to attack her with the most hurtful comments he could think of. No. He was still terrified of her –of seeing himself in her- but no longer needed to _defend_ himself from her.

It was like the tension that had built within him was washed away, replaced only by a melancholy hollowness.

And whenever he caught her brown locks in his peripheral, he felt a dull pain inside.

xoxox

Everything was exactly the way he'd expected it to be. He found the Buster, and enraged by the fact that some _Natural_ was piloting Dearka's MS, he attacked it viciously. The Buster did not fight back, which fueled his anger even more. If there was one thing Yzak could not stand, it was cowardice. He wanted to scream at the other pilot that Dearka Elsman was so much more of a man than he would ever be.

When a familiar voice sounded over his intercom, he felt like someone bashed a cement block into his head.

"_Yzak? Listen to me, Yzak!"_

It was Dearka. The coward in the Buster who wouldn't fight back _was _Dearka. Yzak's mind went blank.

"Dearka…"

"_Yzak, please. Just let me explain."_

In a few minutes, Yzak found himself facing his friend in person inside the colony. Right after Dearka went MIA, he had wished that Dearka would somehow miraculously return. And he had, in a way. Dearka was alive, despite the worst case scenario Yzak had accepted as reality.

But this was almost worse.

"What the fuck are you doing, Elsman?"

His friend stood ten feet away, quietly looking at him. Dearka was oddly collected and confident; the way he looked at Yzak made him feel vastly inferior. That was ridiculous. It was _Dearka_, for heaven's sake.

"Yzak…"

The blonde took a step towards him, but stopped. _That's right_, Yzak seethed inside. This wasn't some touching reunion between two friends. They were enemies. Yzak had his gun pointed at Dearka. Technically, he should have demanded him to return to the Vesalius and explain himself in court; but he wasn't that good of a soldier.

"You've abandoned ZAFT."

It wasn't a question. The blonde had abandoned the team. Abandoned _him_. And he probably had no idea how much that loss had caused Yzak. All of those sleepless nights, those voices, the huge black hole of guilt and anger and everything else that disgusted him.

Shiho's eyes.

And all that because that stupid, incompetent, inconsiderate blonde had deserted.

"That day when I went MIA…do you remember?"

Yzak raised his eyebrow. Of course he did. It was the day his entire world crumbled at his feet. How could he possibly forget?

"The Skygrasper got me pretty badly, and I surrendered to the Archangel. They took me as a prisoner, but released me and the Buster after they defected from the OMNI."

"And you stayed. What the fuck was going through your mind?"

"While I was with the Archangel, I saw and heard a lot of things. I also had a lot of time to think."

"Think about what, Elsman?"

"I started to doubt ZAFT and its philosophy. I can't fight the war on your side anymore. I can't return to the military."

Blood rushed to Yzak's head, and he saw red.

"Are you fucking kidding me? You go missing on me for three months, three months, Dearka! And you tell me you don't believe in ZAFT? What the fuck does that even mean?"

"Yza…"

"Didn't you even stop and think, for a fucking moment, that I _might_ have liked to know you were still alive?"

Dearka looked away guiltily. Yzak clenched his fist. He'd never felt so betrayed in his life. If this had been Athrun or Nicol, it might have been different. But Dearka was and always had been his closest friend, and he was siding himself with the Archangel.

The ship that had killed Nicol and Rusty.

"The Freedom's pilot used to pilot the Strike."

"What?"

"He's a Coordinator. He was friends with Athrun before the war."

Yzak could not believe his ears. When he first heard Dearka's voice "on the other side," he felt like he was being ripped into pieces. To think that Athrun had been fighting the entire war with that kind of pain inside him? Moreoever…

"Not just the Freedom. There's a bunch of kids on that ship. Just like you and me, Yzak. And they've suffered through deaths and losses just like we have."

When Dearka looked up, there was no more doubt in his eyes.

"Am _I_ your enemy?"

"Dearka…"

"Why are _you_ fighting this war?"

"…They've brainwashed you!"

Yzak shouted, desperately wanting Dearka to stay. But those amethyst eyes did not waver, and he knew there was nothing he could do to change Dearka's mind. Dearka had found the answer to that question.

What was _his_ reason?

_Was_ there a reason that could justify everything he'd done?

xoxox

When Yzak stepped out of the Duel in the hangar of the Vesalius, he noticed a commotion surrounding the MS beside his. He frowned; disorganization in the military could easily lead to death. His frown deepened when he realized that the MS was a blue CGUE.

Shiho's MS.

"What the hell is going on?"

He barked at the nearest mechanic, who immediately grabbed him by his arm.

"Thank _god_ you're here! Come on, you gotta calm her down."

Yzak was taken by surprise. It was unusual enough that Shiho needed calming down; she was a levelheaded soldier for the most part. And even if she did, wasn't the entire crew painfully aware that Yzak was probably the _last _person who could instill calm on her?

"What are you talking about?"

"We thought we lost you, what with all the static and you being so late. Then she went hysterical and she's refused to get off the CGUE until we let her go out there again."

He looked at the nearest clock display. The conversation with Dearka took more time than he expected, and he realized he was supposed to report to the ship over 30 minutes ago.

Suddenly he remembered what she told him at the shooting range.

_He was more experienced than I was, so he took the offensive and I stayed with the ship._

And her "friend" never came back.

He pulled away from the mechanic and started running towards her CGUE. He could hear her shouting through her cockpit while one of the mechanics banged on the door.

"Hahnenfuss!"

He pushed the other mechanic and stood in front of the door. He knew that Shiho had a perfectly fine view of him through her main camera, but the shouting did not subside. He didn't even know why he cared what she was doing.

He inhaled and shouted again, louder this time.

"Hahnenfuss! Breathe!"

Her voice stopped. Yzak continued in a gentler voice.

"It's okay, I'm here. Open the door."

Nothing happened, and he knocked on the metal. After a brief second, the door opened. Shiho's eyes were wide open, although he did not know if it was in shock or in fear. Her hand was still on the controls, shaking violently. He slowly extended one of his hands and placed it on hers.

"I'm sorry, Hahnenfuss."

He didn't even know why he was apologizing, but it seemed like the right thing to do. She blinked a few times, and a sob escaped from her throat.

"I'm sorry."

And he could do nothing but watch her cry until her tears dried and her hands finally stopped shaking.

* * *

_And so things start to change between Yzak and Shiho... __Although at this point and time, it's really nothing more than the fact that they are both lost and broken and well, very angsty._

_And just in case: OMNI is the official name for the Earth Alliance forces. I'll be using the term "OMNI" throughout the fic, it just makes a lot of things a LOT easier for me._

_Thank you for reading, and more thanks to my reviewers. You make my day! :)_


	7. PHASE 06

It wasn't very long until Yzak was called into the commander's quarters again.

Creuset was waiting for him at his desk with his trademark smirk. Yzak felt sick merely facing this man, especially after what Dearka had said.

_Why are you fighting this war?_

It most definitely wasn't for his man, he thought, as he saluted gritting his teeth.

"Yzak Joule. As of this moment, you are no longer part of my team."

He froze. A transfer. They weren't uncommon, but he never thought that he'd be the one to be transferred out. It was hard to imagine fighting anywhere but on the Vesalius, under Creuset. Fighting somewhere that wasn't ridden with memories of his lost friends.

For some reason, Yzak thought of Shiho. The thought that he would never see her again was strangely disconcerting.

"Where am I going, commander?"

Creuset chuckled.

"You are to report to the Voltaire in 24 hours."

Yzak frowned. He'd never heard of the Voltaire, or of its commander. Was he being demoted to some useless squadron? Perhaps a troop that patrolled the remotest parts of PLANTS. As exhausted as he was of the war and life in general, his pride still protested. Creuset chuckled again.

"The Voltaire is a Nazca-class ship just like this one. It was completed just a few days ago."

Creuset handed Yzak a heavy file he recognized to be the blueprints and manual for the ship.

"You are going to be assigned your own team, who will join you in the Voltaire. You've accomplished quite a feat, Yzak. You are the youngest commander of an actual combat troop in ZAFT history."

Yzak stared blankly at the file in his lap. Sure, there had been times when he wished for this. But that had been back when the rest of the team was still intact, when he believed that there was justice in fighting for ZAFT.

How could he command an entire team when he did not even know what to do with himself?

"If there is anyone you feel will be essential to your success in your new team, feel free to take them. Consider it a parting gift. That's it, you're dismissed. Congratulations, _Commander_ Joule."

Commander my ass, Yzak thought as he walked out of the room. More like leading a bunch of stupid, scared teenagers just like himself to their deaths. Heck, he was lost. He was broken. And they wanted him to become a commander?

The administration really must be losing their minds.

He dumped the file on his bunk without looking inside. It was just another burden on his shoulders.

And yet…somehow Dearka's gaze was burned into his memory. His friend, who'd been another lost youth, had appeared in front of him as a determined man. While Yzak was drowning himself in his guilt, Dearka had found strength from the rubbles of battle. He'd found faith in himself. In his allies.

Yzak started to walk towards the hangar. He recalled the days when he blindly blamed the Naturals for the war. The world was simple back then, clear lines dividing black and white. But he could no longer continue fighting the war thinking his enemy was a single, anonymous, evil entity.

The Naturals he were fighting were real people. They had names and faces. And they hurt, just like he hurt.

He stopped in front of the Duel. The MS had become a part of him, but even his most trustworthy "comrade" was really nothing more than a killing machine.

Somewhere deep down, he knew Dearka had a point. Some of ZAFT's actions in the war seemed inhumane even to his eyes. But at the same time, the Archangel had also destroyed many things and many lives. He could not see the Archangel as a force of justice to be chosen over his own people, his own home. Deserting the army had been Dearka's answer, but it was not Yzak's.

He needed to find his answer, and he needed to start stepping forward again. He could not spend the rest of his life in the bottomless pit of self loathing.

He heard a clinking noise above. When he looked up, he saw Shiho on top of her CGUE with a spanner in her hand.

"Hahnenfuss? What the hell are you doing?"

Shiho looked down and scowled. Instead of shouting down at him, like he expected her to, she slid down a rope to the floor. She had a streak of grease across her cheek.

"Taking care of my MS, that's what I'm doing."

Her voice was sullen, but it was not as harsh as he remembered it to be.

"Shouldn't you leave that to the mechanics? They'll probably cry if you break it."

Shiho scoffed at him and reached out to the surface of her CGUE.

"I developed the beam weaponry on this thing."

"What?"

"I'm really an engineer, not a combat specialist. _This_ is really what I should be doing, not fighting in it. I'm not going to fucking _break _it, Joule."

She stroked the metal gently. It was strange to see her act so tenderly towards something. He felt a dull pang of pain inside.

She stopped abruptly and looked down.

"I'm sorry about the other day."

It was easy to guess which day she was referring to. After she broke down in her cockpit, Yzak stood with his hand on her hand for two hours until her sobs finally subsided.

"I just…I don't know. It was just like that day and I…"

"Don't."

Yzak interrupted, but she seemed unconvinced. He shook his head.

"You don't need to explain."

He surprised himself by his calmness. Perhaps living in the same ship as her instilled perseverance in him. Shiho simply nodded, and looked back at her CGUE.

"You're being considerate. It's scaring me, Joule."

"I don't even fucking know."

Shiho turned to the ladder beside her CGUE and started to climb. Before he could think, Yzak shouted at her back.

"Wait!"

She looked back dubiously.

"I'm being transferred out. Tomorrow."

Her eyes showed the slightest sign of shock.

"Where?"

"The Voltaire. I'm their new commander."

"Well that's fucking great, Joule. Congrats–"

"Come with me."

She stared at him blankly, and he instantly thought he screwed up. He never should have asked her in the first place. They were trying to bite each other's faces off only a week ago. Heck, he didn't even know why he wanted Shiho on his team. He was about to turn around and walk away when he saw her move.

She nodded, slightly but firmly, and climbed up the ladder.

He clenched his fist beside him. If becoming a commander was the first thing he could do to move forward, then he would do it. He would carry the weight of all those lives on his shoulders if that's what they wanted of him.

As Yzak turned around, he realized that he had just carried an entire conversation with Shiho looking directly at her.

For the very first time since they met in the bridge of the Vesalius, Yzak was not afraid to face Shiho's eyes.

* * *

_And so things continue to progress between them._

_To clarify: Yes, Athrun was technically their "commander" for a few episodes in SEED. This is why Creuset stresses that he is the "youngest commander of an actual combat troop in ZAFT history" -Yzak was the youngest to receive his own ship, with his own crew, with his own mechanics, etc. etc... _

_Shiho actually is an engineer according to canon. That I did not make up. And, going back to what I said in the previous chapter, her CGUE really is blue according to the SEED MSV opening. Which I never really got, since the balsam (i.e. Housenka, her nickname) definitely does not come in blue._

_But I suppose that is just a minor, irrelevant point in the greater scheme of things._

_I know these chapters are short, but please bear with me. Some of the later chapters may be considerably longer._

_As usual, reviews are really, really, REALLY appreciated..._


	8. PHASE 07

The Voltaire was built exactly like the Vesalius.

Which was, of course, to be expected. All Nazca-class ships were identical; the military did not like wasting unnecessary imagination on their armory. It was strange to walk through the ship –_his_ ship- that seemed so familiar yet was something completely different. It was strange to live in the commander's quarters, which he associated so closely with Creuset. It was strange to have his entire crew salute him when he walked by. It was strange to be giving orders, not following them.

Most of all, it was strange to be _cooperating_ with Shiho Hahnenfuss.

The first thing he did when he arrived at the Voltaire was to assemble his entire team in the hangar. There were 67 of them in total. A few of the mechanics were older and seemed experienced; the vast majority of his new team looked like they were shipped straight from the military academy.

They were _his_ responsibility now.

He tried to burn each of their faces into his memory. They seemed so young and innocent. He laughed at himself inside. He was making himself sound like an old man, when he was standing in their shoes only a year and a half ago. He wondered if he'd looked so goddamned naïve when he first joined the Creuset team. It all seemed like a part of some distant dream.

Later that day, he called Shiho into his office.

She stood in his doorway for a moment, looking lost, before she saluted him hesitantly.

"Shiho Hahnenfuss, reporting."

There was something inherently wrong about the picture. As soon as the door closed behind her, he let out a huge sigh.

"Drop that, Hahnenfuss."

Shiho gave him an incredulous expression, but she did as he said.

"I thought you were a fan of proper protocol. As much as I hate to admit, you _are_ my superior officer now."

"You of all people know I have no idea what I'm doing."

She scoffed.

"Does that matter? You don't have the luxury to be lost. All those kids are looking up to you, _Commander_ Joule, and you need to set the example. It's your _job _to look like you know what the hell you're doing, and if that means pretending, then so be it."

Her words landed heavily in his conscience, and he wondered how she always managed to be so right.

"I know, Hahnenfuss. That's why I called you here."

She raised an eyebrow.

"As you probably noticed, most of the team is made up of recent graduates of the academy. They have no previous experience, which makes you and I the senior officers of this ship."

"Which is really just ridiculous, because we're both only seventeen."

"Right. I most definitely don't have the experience or ability to be running this ship by myself. And I am definitely not strong enough to be the capable, dependable commander that they need."

"But that's your fucking job–"

"I need your help."

Shiho froze and looked at him in shock.

"I know what they need out of me, and I'll do my best to meet their expectations. But I'm not that strong, Hahnenfuss. You know that. I need your help. You are probably the only pilot and strategist on this ship who's even halfway decent. You're the only one who has lived through the pain of the battlefield. I trust you, and I trust your abilities."

He paused, and looked straight into her eye.

"I'm putting you as my second-in-command."

She took a few moments to recover.

"Are you serious?"

"Of course I am, Hahnenfuss."

He scoffed at her, and she scowled. He almost wanted to laugh at her reaction –it wasn't often that you could catch Shiho Hahnenfuss off guard- but continued seriously.

"If it's my job to know what the hell I'm doing, it's your job to keep me on track. If I'm making a mistake, or if I'm missing something, I'm counting on you to bitch me out and knock some sense into my head. And, if I die in battle, I'm leaving the team in your hands until the administration decides otherwise."

Her eyes wavered. He knew that the topic of death was probably still a sore one for her –it was for him too. But he knew that as long as they were in the middle of a war, the imminent possibility of death was a reality that had to be dealt with.

Shiho looked away for a moment, and he felt another pang of pain in his heart.

"Seriously, who _are _you? What happened to that angry, bitter, broken, useless excuse of a man I met in the Vesalius?"

Yzak did laugh this time. He still was angry, bitter, and broken. It was going to take a lot longer than a few months to change that. But the meeting with Dearka had been a rude wake up call.

"When we were at the L4 colony, I saw a friend."

"A friend? L4 is an abandoned colony."

"He's the pilot of the Buster."

"But the Buster's with…"

"The Archangel. I know. He was taken prisoner and ended up staying because he stopped believing in ZAFT. I don't fully agree with him or understand him, and I don't think I ever will. But there are some aspects about the military that I have doubts about.

He asked me why I'm fighting this war, and I couldn't answer."

"Aren't you fighting to avenge your friends?"

Shiho asked, the fire flaring up in her eyes again. He used to be so scared of it, but now he found himself looking calmly at it. He had to face it, if he ever wanted to step forward.

"Avenge, then what?"

She clenched her fist.

"We've lost so much, Hahnenfuss, but so have they. Are we fighting this war so we can cause the same kind of agony to others? So we can show them the same hell we saw? What the fuck does that achieve?"

"Well that's fucking wonderful, Joule, but I'm not a saint. I can't…"

"I'm not a saint either. I'm not trying to preach, Hahnenfuss. It's not like I'm over my friends' deaths, or I've forgiven the OMNI for everything they've done. If the Freedom's pilot was in front of me right now, I'd still probably try to kill him. But they feel the same exact way, and my friend unfortunately shoved that fact in my face."

The fire started to weaken in Shiho's eyes.

"All I know is that I think this whole situation is bullshit. It's bullshit that we had to lose so much, and it's bullshit that we are stuck in a battlefield when we should be anywhere _but _here, doing anything _but _this. And moping around won't make it any better. Even if it hurts, even if we're still reeling from our losses, we need to suck it up and move on. I still don't know why I'm fighting this war, but right now I've got 67 other lives I need to care about. I can brood later in my own time. For now I need to deal with reality and keep my team alive."

Shiho stared at her hands silently. He knew that there were a million thoughts going through her head. It wasn't easy to try to forget the bitterness and hatred that had seeped into every aspect of his mind. But there was no point in being bound by them now.

Just like she said, it was his job to know what the he was doing. She may not have realized it, but it was hers, too.

"Isn't that enough?"

"What?"

When she finally looked up, her gaze was steady.

"Isn't keeping your team alive a good enough reason to fight?"

And at that very moment, Yzak thought that bringing Shiho was possibly the best damn decision he had ever made in his life.

"'I'm not a saint, and I'm not a philosopher. I don't know if what I'm doing is right, of if there is some all-encompassing meaning to the war we're fighting. And frankly, I don't give a damn. But keeping the team alive is something I can do, and I'll give you all the damn help you need doing that."

"…Thank you, Hahnenfuss."

She smiled, and his heart skipped a beat. He had seen her smirk, or scoff, or even give a sarcastic laugh, but this was the first time he saw her actually smile. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms. He chose to freeze instead.

"Commander? What's wrong?"

Her voice brought him to his senses. He felt blood rush to his face, and he quickly turned around in his chair. He never thought he'd be so thankful of those pivoting office chairs.

"That's…that's it, Hahnenfuss. You can go now."

"If you say so, commander."

She saluted him jokingly and walked out of the door. As soon as she was gone, he let his head fall freely onto his desk.

He must be going insane after all, he thought.

* * *

_Okay, so maybe I'm not doing a very good job at writing longer chapters. But I try. I swear I do._

_So 67 is the new magic number. That is a lot of people, I must say. I came up with this number by counting the AA crew in that one episode where Ramius addresses them before going up to space one last time. I actually counted about 80, but I didn't want to put such an even number -so yes, 67 is a completely arbitrary number I pulled out of thin air. Haha._

_Thank you so much to all of my reviewers; you all make my day! _

_Seiuchi - Thanks for explaining the mystery of Shiho's alias! It all magically makes sense now, so thank you._

_IF you have the time, please let me know what you think!_


	9. PHASE 08

Despite all that the Archangel and Eternal tried to do, the war progressed in the worst possible way it could. Nuclear weapons had been unleashed again, and ZAFT was driven back to Jachin Due.

This was going to be the last battle. Jachin was their last defense, and its defeat would mean the destruction of the PLANTS and death to all Coordinators.

They could not lose this battle, not when everything they had ever known depended on it.

Yzak assembled his entire team in the hangar. He had been lucky; there were still 67members standing in front of him, just like on the very first day. But he knew that the battle they were about to step into was going to be different. He wondered how many of the 67 he would see after history took its course.

Or if he would be alive himself to witness the final outcome of the battle.

He looked around. All of the rookies then were still rookies now, and they still looked like they should be going to school back home. But in the short couple of months, they had come to resemble some kind of a team. He learned to act like a collected commander, and they became trustworthy soldiers. He came to know each of them, and managed to earn their trust.

None of which would have been possible without Shiho, who faced in the very front row. He glanced at her, and she gave him a firm, reassuring nod. He inhaled and started to speak.

"We now face the largest crisis in the history of Coordinators. Boaz fell, and Jachin Due is the only fort between the OMNI and the PLANTS. If we lose this, we lose our home. We lose our families and friends. We _cannot_ lose this, no matter what."

He saw his team tense up. Shiho alone continued to look straight ahead.

"But you know that. You all have known that too well since the very day you enlisted, and there's no point in me repeating again that we are all soldiers and we must do absolutely everything we can do to defend our home. You already have done so much more than anyone could ask of you. I am proud to be your commander, and I am honored to serve the PLANTS with all of you today."

But he wasn't trying to give an inspirational speech; they've had enough of that from Chairman Zala, from their society, from each other. It was something that they had all been told since they were children, making them believe that there was honor and glory in the battlefield. Believe that behind the losses, the heartaches, the blood, there was some kind of redemption. It was nothing but a bunch of bullshit; there was nothing that could ever be redeemed in the front lines.

His own message was much more simple.

"There is something else I want you to keep in mind. Something _just_ as important. There is no point in defending the PLANTS if there is no one left to inherit it. So live. Being there when history has taken its course, being there to rebuild everything that's been lost –_that_ is as important as physically protecting the PLANTS. _Survive._ This is an order, do you understand? I expect to see all of your faces here afterwards."

His team looked at him in shock. Yzak supposed that they expected him to tell them to die for their country, and he was being a horrible commander for not saying that. But when one of the younger pilots broke from his trance and nodded, he knew he was definitely not mistaken.

The way things were looking, he'd be lucky if even one of them survived. Even then, _they_ were the reason why he fought, and he wanted his team to survive no matter what. He wanted those kids, who easily could have been him or his old teammates, to not suffer through the war the way he did. They had the right to a proper future, not a lifetime of suffering and guilt in the military.

A pair of familiar purple eyes continue to look straight at him. He did not want to see that angry fire in anyone's eyes anymore. Not in his, not in Shiho's.

"Meeting adjourned. All members back in position as soon as possible; we are now in condition red."

His team hurried to their posts. He looked around, trying to catch Shiho before she disappeared, but realized he was already too late. Of course. She was the best soldier on this ship; she'd probably be sitting in the cockpit of the CGUE before the rest of the team was even halfway back to their posts.

He ran to the pilots' locker room, and was relieved to see her familiar figure.

"Hahnenfuss. Thank god you're still here."

She was already changed into her pilot suit with her helmet in one hand. She looked mildly surprised at his entrance.

"I didn't take you to be the kind of person who thanked _god_."

"It's an expression, Hahnenfuss."

She snickered.

"What's the matter, Commander?"

He smiled wryly at her comment. Oh no, _nothing _was the matter, maybe except for the fact that they were about to head into battle with absolutely no promise of returning.

And the fact that he was fighting the urge to pull her into his arms, _yet_ again.

"Hahnenfuss, I just thought–"

"If you have nothing worthwhile to say, I'm going."

She cut him off in the middle of his sentence and turned around. Yzak stared at her walking away before he realized what she was doing. He immediately ran to her and grabbed her arm, forcing her to face him.

He instantly realized why she tried to leave so quickly. Her eyes were fearful, and they wavered as she reluctantly met his gaze. Yzak felt like his heart was being ripped out of him, and he wanted to do something, _anything_ to quell her fear. Instead, all that came out of him was a pathetic croak.

"Hahnenfuss?"

Her face crumpled into a scowl. She almost looked like she was about to cry, but there were no sign of tears in her eyes.

"Look, if you're going to tell me that 'this may be it' speech, I'll smack you. And if you're here to remind me that I am responsible if anything happens to you, I don't want to hear that either."

"I wasn't…"

"Just go away and leave me alone, okay?"

She struggled, desperate to break loose. She probably didn't want to seem weak, especially after he told her to be strong for the team. But he wasn't about to let her go.

He was just like her, after all.

"Hahnenfuss, listen to me."

She continued to struggle, completely ignoring him. He strengthened his grip and pulled her a little closer.

"_Shiho_."

She froze. It was the first time he ever called her by her name. He slowly let go of her arm.

"I don't take you for an idiot, and I know that you know those things. Why do you think I made you second-in-command?"

She looked away.

"I wanted to say thank you, Shiho. For everything you've done. I wouldn't be here without you, and although I absolutely hated your guts when we first met, I am glad that we did. And…"

"Stop."

Her voice was barely loud enough to be heard.

"That sounds too much like you're saying goodbye."

Shiho looked so wistful, so _lonely_, that he gave up the fight and pulled her into his arms.

"This _isn't_ a goodbye."

"…Just let me go."

Her voice was more terrified than anything, which made him hold her even tighter. He desperately wanted strength –strength to protect his team, strength to protect _her_.

"I am scared too. I am scared out of my fucking mind."

He could feel her relax just the slightest bit in his arms.

"I don't want to send out my team, knowing that a good portion of them probably won't survive this time. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of what will happen to the PLANTS if we fail. And I am absolutely terrified of even the possibility of losing you."

"…Well, then, you won't."

Her voice was a little muffled, and he would have smiled if he wasn't so goddamned scared. Shiho looked up. He'd never seen her so close and he could feel blood rushing to his head. He cursed inwardly. He could not look away, and he did not have the slightest clue why he was feeling so damn helpless.

So he kissed her.

"What are you doing?"

Her voice was wary.

"I don't even fucking know."

She held his face with her hands, and traced his scar with her left thumb. He kissed her again, and this time she returned the kiss.

"I really shouldn't be doing this."

He knew she was referring to more than just military protocol.

"I won't die, Shiho. I swear I'm not going to leave you."

_Not like your dead boyfriend_, he added in his mind.

"Yzak."

"Promise me that you'll come back, too."

Shiho gazed silently at his eyes for what seemed like an eternity, then she nodded. Yzak pulled her into his arms again. He felt strangely whole as he felt her arms wrap around his back.

And he thought that he could return even from the gates of hell if he could see her, hold her, one more time.

* * *

_This is where this fic transforms from angst to sappy romance... Well, not completely. You will see (this is me trying to subtly convince you to continue reading this fic... haha)._

_Again, many thanks to those who read and even more thanks to those who reviewed my last chapter! Hope you like this one as well... And as per usual, reviews are always welcome :)_


	10. PHASE 09

The Second Battle of Jachin Due concluded only after it claimed the lives of millions upon millions.

Most of the battle really was just one huge, confused blur in his memory. He remembers a lot of barking, both from him and to him through his MS intercom. There hadn't been much thought, really, but a seemingly unending flow of adrenaline. There was a flood of lights and death and information, and he did not have the luxury of processing it all in the cockpit of the Duel.

The only clear thought in his mind was that he could not die, not after he promised Shiho that he would survive.

His memory clears up where he started fighting the Raider, one of the OMNI's new gundams. He had already defeated the Forbidden, but the Duel had suffered serious damage and he knew that he might not make it this time.

Then the Buster appeared.

The rest of the fight turns into a blur again. He only really remembers watching the Raider explode as both the Duel and the Buster's phase shift armor shut down.

"…_ak! Yzak, can you hear me?"_

Dearka's voice, mixed with some static, shouted at him over the intercom. He inhaled and let go of the controls; the main power of the Duel was about to shut down anyway.

"Yes, Dearka, I can hear you. It's good to know that not _everything_ dies when mobile suits run out of power."

He heard Dearka's familiar laugh on the other side. It almost felt like they were back in the old days, when the Creuset team was still intact and the world was a simple place.

But this was no time to be sentimental. They were still in the middle of a war, and two mobile suits with no protection or firearms was nothing more than a target.

"_So what now, Yzak?"_

"What do you mean, what now? Are you a fucking idiot? Am I supposed to sit here and wait for someone to come and blow me up?"

Dearka laughed again, but he sounded more resigned this time. Yzak gritted his teeth. _He_ was not giving up; he was not going to become another scar in her life. He quickly checked the Duel's statistics.

"I only have my emergency battery left, and there are no friendly ships that I can get to with this little power."

He heard the sound of typing on the line, and he knew Dearka was checking the Buster.

"_The Buster is completely dead, but…"_

"But _what_, Dearka?"

"_You're not going to like this."_

"Believe me, there is _nothing _I'm going to like about this fucking situation."

"_We can get to the Archangel."_

Yzak froze. Of all the ships that could be around, it had to be that damned ship.

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

"…_Unfortunately, no."_

"I can't fucking go to the Archangel! I know they're your friends, Dearka, but in case you forgot I'm still a part of ZAFT!"

There was a slight pause.

"_Yzak… You're my best bud, and you saved my life just now. You saved Cagalli, too."_

Yzak frowned.

"Cagalli? Who the hell are you talking about?"

"_The Strike Rouge you defended from the Forbidden. She's Kira…the Freedom's twin, apparently. _And_ the princess of Orb."_

Yzak vaguely recalled the pink MS he pushed out of the way of the Forbidden.

"Well I didn't know that."

"_I know. But you also told them that the Genesis was coming. My point is, Yzak, you're not their enemy. I know you haven't fully come to terms with everything that happened, but this is our best bet."_

Yzak closed his eyes. The Archangel. How ironic was it that the ship that killed Rusty and Nicol –the ship he spent the better part of the war trying to sink- was now the only chance he had for surviving?

If this had been a few months ago, he would rather have left Dearka and died than approach the Archangel. But now things were different. He had a responsibility to fill, and his personal grudge seemed inconsequential in the larger picture.

"If you're so convinced they won't shoot me on the spot, Dearka."

Dearka laughed again as the Duel started to move slowly through space dragging the Buster along.

xoxox

He listened detachedly as Dearka argued with the Archangel bridge as they approached the ship. He didn't expect it to be a smooth process anyway. All he could really think about was Shiho and his team. He attempted to send a message to Shiho while they were heading to the Archangel, but apparently running on emergency power meant he could only communicate within a twenty-feet radius.

After a few minutes of bickering, they were granted access to the ship. As the Duel and the Buster crashed onto the floor of their hangar, Yzak noticed how even his emergency battery had completely ran out. He was stuck on the ship whether he liked it or not.

Yzak and Dearka got out of their mobile suits. A man who seemed to be the chief mechanic punched Dearka jokingly and complained about the atrocious condition of the Buster, but the rest of the mechanics were staring at the strange intruder on their ship. A few were glaring. Yzak did not blame them; just as he had hated this ship, the crew on this ship must have hated the Creuset team.

He felt a tug on his arm. It was Dearka, who apparently had finished his bickering with the mechanic. His usually joking eyes were a little more serious now.

"The captain wants us to report to the bridge."

Yzak nodded, and followed Dearka through the foreign ship.

The bridge of the Archangel looked strangely similar to that of the Voltaire. A few of the operators were kids about his age. One of them, the CIC, stole a glance at Dearka and he saw the blonde return a smile.

The captain turned around, and Yzak was surprised to see a young woman. She looked like she had just been crying. It was just another proof that they –those who he used to categorize as an "enemy"- were really no different than himself. He wondered how they all ended up in the battlefield, trying to murder each other.

"I'm Murrue Ramius, captain of the Archangel. I've heard that you are Dearka's friend."

Her voice was gentle. Yzak wondered if he should give her a salute, but decided against it. The woman in front of him was not part of any military anymore.

"Yzak Joule, commander of the Joule team and pilot of the Duel. I thank you for allowing me to board your ship."

He could feel some of the crew tense at his introduction. Murrue, however, just smiled.

"I wish there was something I could do for you, Mr. Joule, but unfortunately we're still in the middle of a war. I'm afraid you're just going to have to wait it out here."

Yzak nodded and was about to exit the bridge when Shiho's face crossed his mind.

He _couldn't_ wait it out in the Archangel. The Duel would have disappeared from the radars the moment he landed on the ship. They would have thought he was dead.

He had to return to the Voltaire. He couldn't leave his team alone. He couldn't leave Shiho alone. Not while he was actually alive, anyway.

"I have to go."

Both Dearka and the Captain looked at him in disbelief. The CIC even threw him a dubious glance.

"Yzak, are you out of your fucking mind?"

Dearka shouted. Yzak clenched his fist. He probably was, but that was besides the point.

"I need to get back out there, Dearka."

"The Duel is completely dead! You can't leave on a mobile suit that won't even _move_!"

"I'll figure something out. I can't just fucking _sit_ here."

"You can, and you will. Have you gone suicidal?"

Yzak felt anger rising in him. He knew that Dearka was only concerned about him, but really, Dearka was not the one who was around while he _was_ borderline suicidal.

"I can't just disappear from the radars like that! I need to get back to the Voltaire, Dearka. I still have a duty to fill!"

"I know you're a commander now, Yzak, but I'm sure your team will be fine without you for a couple of hours."

"It's not just my _team_, Dearka. They can function without me, and I've left them in the best hands."

"Then what?"

"…I promised someone I wouldn't die."

Yzak saw both the Captain and the CIC flinch in their seats. They probably knew what it was like when someone close to them never came back; they would understand. He inhaled, and repeated more quietly this time.

"I promised _her_ I wouldn't die. I can't go MIA."

Dearka tried to retort, but he couldn't think of anything he could say. Instead, he glanced over at the CIC, who was still frozen in her seat.

The captain looked at him dolefully, and reluctantly started to speak.

"…We do have an extra battery pack for the Strike."

Instantly, the entire bridge turned to her in disbelief. Yzak himself could not believe his ears. Was she offering him a spare part for one of their own mobile suits? To their former enemy, who tried to shoot them down countless times?

"Wouldn't the Strike be needing that?"

"Not anymore, he won't."

The captain's eyes were full of pain, and her voice screamed that she was heartbroken. Yzak sensed that there had been another loss on the ship –one that hit very close to her heart. Before he could say anything, she turned to the CIC.

"Miriallia, please tell the maintenance crew to put the Strike battery pack onto the Duel, now. It needs to be ready to launch ASAP."

The CIC broke out of her trance and started to type. Yzak looked at the captain, then at Dearka, then back at the captain. He still could not believe what was happening, and neither could the Archangel crew, apparently. He did know, though, that he had never been so grateful in his life.

"Thank you."

The captain smiled sadly.

"I wouldn't want another girl to cry because of the war."

Yzak nodded firmly. He thanked the captain one last time before running out of the bridge.

As soon as the Duel had launched off the Archangel, Yzak started flying as fast as he could towards the Voltaire. Most of the battle was over; the only threat left on either side was the Genesis, and as a soldier of ZAFT, there was nothing he could do about it. Dearka had told him that Athrun and the Freedom's pilot was dealing with that, anyhow. As much as he hated to admit, those two were probably the most talented MS pilots alive. If they couldn't handle it, no one else could.

He quickly checked his radar, and drew in a breath of relief when it caught Shiho's CGUE. He wanted so badly to send her a message, to make sure she was okay, but there were other issues that also had to be dealt with. She was alive, and he was back on the radar again. That was enough for now. Instead, he opened his line to his entire team.

"This is Yzak Joule. Everyone return to the Voltaire right now. We are done, and we are falling back."

A few of his team protested, but after he repeated his instructions several times, he saw that all members of his team started to head back to the ship. Just as he reached the Voltaire, he saw a bright explosion where Jachin Due once was. He felt all the tension in his body dissipate, knowing that Athrun had completed his task.

The Genesis was destroyed, and the long, long war was over.

Shiho arrived at the hangar shortly after him. As soon as her MS was completely secured, she flew out of her cockpit to where he was standing. Yzak had never seen her look so mad, but he also had never been so relieved to see her at all.

"What in the _world_ were you thinking?"

She practically hissed as she approached him. He attempted to feign nonchalance.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Telling us to retreat before we were technically allowed? You _do _realize they can court-martial you for that, right?"

He smiled wryly in return. That was probably the least of his concerns.

"I've done a shitload of things they can court-martial me for. One more won't make a difference. Besides, there was no point in any of you staying out there anymore, risking your lives, when the only thing that could do any serious harm was on our side."

Shiho simply glared at him before she spoke again, with a little less hostility.

"You went MIA for 27 minutes."

He grimaced. He was secretly hoping that she hadn't noticed, and that he could have saved her the agony. But Shiho was his best subordinate; _of course_ she noticed everything. She added, a little shakily.

"…I thought you were dead."

Yzak pulled her into his arms, unable to meet the pain in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Shiho. I'm sorry."

He kissed her forehead, then whispered gently into her ear.

"But I'm still alive. _We're_ still alive."

They stood there in each other's arms until they could stop shaking, and really believe that all of this was real.

* * *

_They are finally actually moving on... or are they? Which, by the way, this fic will also cover the GSD timeline, so hang on there... please?_

_Updates may be a little slower since I just started college, and they are already giving us ridiculous amounts of things to do... But I won't stop writing, I swear. I will keep updating._

_I got a review in my last chapter that the Joule team did not have the Voltaire at the end of GS, which is probably true. I have no idea. Sorry. My bad. It may eventually get fixed once I'm done, but for now please just smile and nod and pretend that I'm following canon._

_The "anonymous" CIC of the Archangel is our lovely Miriallia, of course. Which reminds me... Mir or Miri? Miri is what it officially is (at least in the Japanese audio anyway), but Mir looks more natural. Please let me know, since there will be Dearka/Miriallia subtext coming up later on._

_So if anyone needs clarification, Murrue gave Yzak an extra battery pack for the Strike. At this point the Strike was piloted by Mwu, who had just gone MIA. Because they are all part of the GAT series, I am just assuming that non-specific parts like batteries are probably interchangeable. _

_The Forbidden and the Raider are the MS of the OMNI extendeds (Shani, etc.). Yzak gets one by himself, gets another with the help of Dearka, which can I point out is a feat that even Kira and Athrun struggled with earlier in the series? Yes, I love Yzak. And I think he deserves a lot more love than he gets. So just thought I'd point that out._

_Reviews, comments, criticisms, all more than welcome!_


	11. PHASE 10

All members of ZAFT were ordered to return to the PLANTS immediately following the ceasefire. They were more or less confined in the military dorms or their homes until the new administration was able to take control of the situation.

Yzak stayed at his apartment, a few minutes away from the dorms. He really would have preferred to return to the Joule mansion, but his mother had been put under house arrest and the mansion was off limits to any visitors, including him. He had exchanged a few words with Dearka and Athrun, who returned to the PLANTS to face their consequences, but they all knew that the odds were stacked against them. All three of them were facing a court-martial, and they knew whatever sentence they would receive would not be pretty.

On the fifth morning following the ceasefire, Yzak found an unfamiliar envelope in his mailbox. It was addressed from the ZAFT headquarters. A summons to military court. _Finally_, he thought, as he ripped open the envelope. It was completely illogical to feel relieved to be summoned to court, but it made sense in a very sick, twisted way.

He needed closure, regardless of what it might be. They all did.

Most of his charges were ones he had already expected. Ordering his team to retreat in the face of the enemy, divulging information about the Genesis to non-ZAFT entities, failure to report the locations of deserters… He almost laughed at the amount of offenses he had managed to build up. Whatever happened to that perfect soldier he once was?

He froze when he saw his last offense.

_The massacre of civilian passengers aboard an OMNI escape shuttle._

He read the line, over and over again, hoping it was some kind of mistake. His hands started to shake, and he slumped down to the floor. He could not even understand how that was possible; he had never seen a civilian shuttle throughout the war…

Then he remembered when he fought the Archangel and another OMNI ship, right before he was forced to land on Earth. The other ship released an escape shuttle right before it exploded. He shot at the shuttle, assuming that they were just soldiers running away from the battlefield. It _was_ a military shuttle after all.

It dawned on him that the passengers of that shuttle must have been civilians. Innocent, harmless civilians who he killed in cold blood.

He had tried, _honestly _tried to move on and grow up, especially after he was given his own team. He did everything he could for his team, and he knew that they acknowledged him as well. But no matter what he did, how hard he tried, he was a heartless murderer after all.

Right at that moment, his phone began to ring. He wanted nothing more than to ignore it, but the ringing started to pound in his head. He stood up and staggered to his phone.

"Hello?"

His voice was hoarse and shaky, and he almost did not recognize it.

"_Commander? It's Shiho, calling on behalf of the team."_

The familiar voice on the other side was oddly collected and businesslike. It sounded so out of place, and for a brief moment he wondered if it was merely a figment of his imagination.

"_Hello? Are you there?"_

When she spoke again, even he had to admit that the voice was real. He buried his face in his free hand; he wondered why she always seemed to find him at his absolute lowest.

"Yes, Shiho. I'm here."

"_We hadn't heard from you, and we were just wondering how you were. The rest of the team all live in the dorms, so…"_

"I'm fine, Shiho. Doing just fine."

He didn't sound fine, not even to himself. She'd have to be incredibly dense to buy that, and he knew she wasn't.

"…_No, you're not. What's wrong?"_

Yzak sighed. There was really no point in hiding it; the entire team would eventually be notified if the worst came to happen anyway. He pretended not to feel his hand shaking.

"I'm getting court-martialed."

"_Well, you did see that coming, right? I mean, telling us to retreat and all…"_

"Shiho, I shot down a civilian shuttle."

There was a gasp on the other side, followed by a long pause. The silence made him anxious, and wondered if Shiho was as disgusted with him as he was with himself. Somehow, that thought scared him more than the actual consequences he knew he would be facing.

"…_Why?"_

Her reply was soft.

"I didn't know. I thought they were escaping OMNI soldiers."

There was another long pause. He inhaled, and said the one sentence he never wanted to have to say to her.

"Shiho, I'm not getting out of this alive."

He heard another short gasp, but her reply was much quicker this time.

"_When is your trial?"_

He checked the date on the paper.

"…Tomorrow. At 2."

"_Okay."_

"I'm sorry."

He slammed down the phone before she could say another word. He was thankful that he didn't have to see her expression. He had no idea how painful it would have been if he had to see the disappointment in her face that he was just a dirty criminal after all.

Who couldn't even keep one simple fucking promise.

It was so ironic that after he tried so hard to stay alive during the war, he now faced a certain death in a peaceful PLANTS, by his allies. He was going to die anyway, and disappear from her life. Not that she should have cared about him anyway. Either way, the end result was the same. He had caused her pain that she didn't need to deserve.

"I'm so sorry, Shiho."

He whispered to the emptiness of his room.

xoxox

Yzak Joule's trial started at 1400 sharp the next day.

He hadn't completely recovered from the shock, but he had regained enough composure to sit up and look straight ahead. If being shot by his allies was his fate, then he was ready to accept it. There were simply too many mistakes he made through his short life, and he knew that he deserved anything that was coming to him.

He wasn't intimidated by the grave atmosphere of the room like he thought he would be. Sure, it was hardly comfortable to be sitting alone in front of a panel thrice his age, but he couldn't keep his focus to what was happening in front of him. As the panel started to list his many charges, he started to think about his team, his comrades, and most of all, Shiho.

She would not leave him alone, even in a stuffy courtroom as he faced a certain death.

The panel asked him a few questions, but he could sense it was all a matter of formality. The judges had already made up their mind; he could see it in their eyes. The only thing he could do was to sit tall and answer as honestly as he could.

Finally, the chief judge looked around at his peers.

"Yzak Joule. Due to the number of your offenses, and the particularly malicious nature of them, we sentence you to execution before a firing squad."

Yzak closed his eyes. This was it. Shiho's face flickered in his mind again, and he almost laughed at how seemingly pathetic he had become.

"I object."

He looked up in shock at the sudden interjection, and he saw that a member of the panel had stood up. The rest of the panel looked at the speaker as well; they most definitely did not look pleased.

"Mr. Dullindal, I must ask you to sit down."

Dullindal ignored the chief judge, and raised a document he had in his hand.

"Gentlemen of the panel, haven't we all read this petition submitted by his team?"

Yzak could not believe his ears. He had no idea that his team even knew about his trial, let alone anything about a petition. In fact, he had no idea that people could submit anything to the military court.

It had to be Shiho. No one else he knew had the wit and guts to pull off something like that.

He could feel his heartbeat pounding against his skull.

"It is clear from this petition that Mr. Joule is more than a capable commander who cared deeply about the wellbeing of his team. Any minor infraction of the rules was simply a result of his concern. And it is evident that this tactic worked, because the Joule team had the highest ratio of survivors in all of ZAFT."

"But we cannot _possibly_ justify the incident with the civilian shuttle…"

Yzak clenched his fist on his knees. The chief judge was right. He deserved to be shot, just as he had shot down many innocent lives with no mercy at all.

"Mr. Joule said that that was an honest mistake. Who would expect civilians to be aboard a military warship?"

The panel started to shift in their seats uncomfortably, and he could see them reconsidering their decision. He looked at this mysterious man in disbelief.

"If we punish the youth for a war that _we_ started, who will bear our future?"

The panel started whisper amongst themselves. After a few minutes, the chief judge faced Yzak with a difficult expression.

"While your actions during the war are certainly still questionable, the panel has chosen to consider these very good points Mr. Dullindal raised. We excuse you from any further consequences. You are dismissed."

Yzak stared at them for a while before he could comprehend what had just happened. He looked at the man who had just saved his life; he smiled, and silently gave him a piece of paper. It had one simple sentence scribbled on to it.

_If you're interested in a seat in the Temporary Supreme Council, call XXX-XXXX._

Yzak looked back up at the stranger, speechless. But before he could say anything, the stranger disappeared with the rest of the panel into the back room.

* * *

_This chapter and the upcoming chapter were supposed to be one, but it got a little too long so I'm dividing it into two. Second part coming up shortly... with a lot more focus on the development of Yzak and Shiho's relationship. Be pumped :]_

_Man, that was a lot of angst. I hope you guys aren't exasperated. I almost am._

_So this and a few more chapters coming up are really a figment of my imagination. Stuff that's not in any official timeline. Just to put that out there._

_Thank you and I LOVE YOU! to everyone who's reading this right now. And even more thanks and even more love to anyone who reviews. Hahaha. Thank you for bearing with my ridiculously slow updates. Yay for college. _


	12. PHASE 11

He was still in a daze as he wandered through the hallways and out of the building. He could not believe that the panel had let him go without any consequence whatsoever, especially when they originally had planned to sentence him to death.

Shouldn't he have died, anyway? Didn't he deserve it?

His thoughts simply spiraled down deeper and deeper into an abyss. There were simply too many questions that hindered his logic, and he couldn't even form one cohesive conclusion in his brain.

As he walked out of the courthouse, he saw Shiho leaning on one of the outer pillars of the building. His pace quickened, and before he knew it he was sprinting to her.

"Shiho!"

She looked startled by his sudden appearance, but her expression quickly softened.

"So I'm guessing they let you go?"

Yzak nodded. The last time he saw her look so gentle, so peaceful, was when he saw her in the hangar of the Vesalius with her CGUE. It added to the jumble of confusion in his brain. He couldn't understand why she looked that way for _him_. Wasn't he a dirty murderer? And didn't he almost break his promise? Again?

"Why?"

The only word he could manage to say was as hoarse as when he answered her call the day before. Shiho raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean, why?"

"…The petition. And why are you here?"

She simply answered incredulously, as if she was explaining a simple problem to a child.

"The petition was from the entire team, you know? They all look up to their commander so much more than you've probably realized. Besides, I thought it was my job to keep you out of trouble."

Yzak felt guilt grip his heart.

"I… I deserved it, you know?"

Instantly, Shiho's eyes hardened. She looked like she was about to hit him, but decided to shout instead.

"Yzak Joule!"

Her voice was a harder blow than any punch she would have been capable of. He simply stood there, wide-eyed, as she continued on her tirade.

"Don't ever say that, Yzak! Ever. You were only doing what any other soldier would have done. It's not your fucking fault. And if you _do_ feel guilty for everything you've done during the war, then dying here, _now_, would only be an insult to the dead! You survived, and you have the duty of carrying all those lives on your shoulders."

She inhaled, and continued firmly but calmly.

"Living is your penance, Yzak. You made it through, and now you will live for all those who didn't."

"But…"

"We are _all_ murderers. It's called war. Weren't you the one who said we need to just _suck it up and move on_?"

There was unmistakable strength in her voice. He shook his head in defeat; there was probably nothing in the world that Shiho couldn't do if she really put her mind into it. Leave it up to her to use his own arguments against him.

Somehow, her words always rang true, even when his mind was too jumbled to comprehend anything else.

xoxox

They agreed to have dinner together after that.

It was a slightly awkward meal; they had never been in each other's presence outside a warship. They exchanged a few nonchalant remarks about the unfamiliar peace, but he really had no idea what to say to her. Any civil conversation they had during the war was related to duty, which was no longer a valid topic. Despite what had happened earlier that day, somehow an unbridgeable distance was forming between them. Whatever bond they shared was slowly melting away with the tension. Were those few, fleeting moments they shared simply a result of an unwilling alliance, caused by the pain and misery of the battlefield?

It then dawned on Yzak that Shiho Hahnenfuss in civilian clothing, the Shiho Hahnenfuss who sat in front of him then, was a complete stranger to him.

The realization put him on an emotional free fall. He had been so afraid to lose her before Jachin Due, and now she was slipping away from his hands. There was absolutely nothing he could do about it. The war was the only thing that caused their paths to merge, and now that _that_ was gone, their paths were diverging.

"I'm requesting a transfer as soon as all this chaos is over. Back to R&D."

_This is the end,_ it sounded to him. Her voice was calm, her gaze strong. He could only nod, and they both continued their meal in silence.

They walked out of the restaurant about an hour later. They faced each other and mumbled goodbye; they lived in opposite directions, and there was no real reason for Yzak to be sending her back to the dorms.

But even as words of farewell fell out of their lips, Yzak could not look away, and for some reason neither did she. They simply stood there for a moment, gazing at each other.

She was beautiful.

Yzak found himself reaching for her. As his skin touched her face, something snapped inside him. His body moved before he could even think, and he was kissing Shiho yet again. It was a harsh, desperate kiss, but she did not protest. In fact, when he pulled away for a breath, he could have sworn there was longing in her eyes.

In a matter of minutes, they were fumbling into the elevator of Yzak's apartment building kissing hungrily. He wanted nothing more than to drown in her kisses, her breath, her touch –any piece of her that he could still hold on to. By the time they reached his door, all thought had given way to the heat of their bodies. Their tangled limbs and hot, heavy breaths dominated their senses, sparking a kind of passion that neither knew existed in them. Yet as he drifted off to sleep with her pale back in front of him, he knew something about it was terribly wrong.

xoxox

Even before Yzak opened his eyes the next morning, he knew she'd be gone.

Sunlight had found its way into his apartment despite the heavy shades. He stared at the empty space beside him; the white sheets reflected more light than was pleasant for his groggy brain. He would have thought that the night before had been merely a figment of his imagination –a fairly _disturbing_ figment- if it weren't for a faint, lingering scent he knew was hers. Floral. He never thought Shiho to be the kind of woman who would smell so distinctly feminine, but he supposed it made sense. She was the _Housenka_ after all.

He sat up and grimaced. They had made quite a mess getting to his bedroom the night before. He rubbed his forehead, fighting the frustration that threatened to take over him.

_He_ was a mess. A complete and utter mess.

He stretched his arms into the empty space in his bed before he finally decided to get up. Even that action added to his crankiness. Yzak Joule valued order. He did not enjoy seeing his apartment in disarray, and neither did he enjoy being a slob.

He picked up his ZAFT uniform from the floor in an attempt to straighten things up. His frown deepened when a piece of paper fell out of the pockets.

It was the note he received from Dullindal after his trial. He glared at it, but when he realized that that would not make it go away, he reluctantly picked it up.

"_Living is your penance, Yzak."_

He sneered at himself for thinking about her, even _then_, as he reached for his phone.

* * *

_So this was Part 2 of what was supposed to be one chapter. Anyhow._

_I know Yzak technically gave Shiho her alias, Housenka. Housenka is Japanese for the balsam. In case anyone was wondering. I know it sounds like Yzak wasn't the one who proactively called her that though. I'm sorry. It slipped my mind when I wrote it. I reached this point and realized, "Crap, I forgot to write an episode about that." So for the purpose of the fic, the alias was always just kinda there. Sorry..._

_The last part of this chapter is possibly my favorite part yet. What do you guys thing?_

_As always. Thanks for reading and please review!_


	13. PHASE 12

Yzak Joule, the youngest commander in the history of PLANTS, also became the youngest councilman in the history of PLANTS.

He did not enjoy politics. In fact, he hated those half-hearted smiles and sugar-coated lies with every fiber of the being. He valued honor more than anything else, and he could not even begin to respect many of the hypocrites who corrupted the system. It wasn't exactly a one-sided issue, either. Not everybody was pleased with his war crimes, or with the fact that his mother was Ezaria Joule, the most zealous supporter of Patrick Zala during the last war. But the Council desperately needed someone who knew the battlefield well. Someone who knew the stakes of war.

And that he knew better than anybody else.

Naturally, when the Temporary Council was dissolved 18 months later after thoroughly reforming the system, he was more than relieved to return to his old post in ZAFT.

He hadn't exactly been _gone_; he technically had remained a part of ZAFT through his term in the Temporary Council. Yet, when he stepped into his new "office" for the very first time, he was momentarily lost.

It was strange that he was no longer aboard the Voltaire, for one. After the ceasefire, paperwork had become the main job of the ZAFT soldier. There was something inherently wrong about dealing with reports in a brightly lit office room. Yzak had always preferred action over sitting at a desk, anyhow. It was strange to be on a 9-to-5 schedule rather than 12 hour shifts.

After a few weeks in the office, though, he realized that the biggest reason why things felt out of place was because Shiho wasn't there to whip his ass into shape.

And it showed in the team, too. As much as they loved and respected their occasionally difficult commander, they equally loved Shiho Hahnenfuss, their second-in-command. There was a gaping hole where she'd left, and he was glad that the Joule team had not been assigned any real tasks other than a mountain of paperwork. There was only _so_ much damage that could be done by a badly written report.

It wasn't as though Shiho had disappeared into thin air. She, too, was still a part of ZAFT, and Yzak only had to place one short phone call to Personnel to find out her new department, e-mail, and phone number. He picked up his phone countless times, attempting to call her, but would always stop before dialing the last digit.

What would he say? Ask her about her new work, perhaps exchange few updates on their lives, then what? What was he to her, anyway?

And he would always put the phone down, fighting the urge to hurl the useless machine across the room.

He saw her once, purely on accident, about a year into his term in the council. He stopped by a bar after a particularly stressful day of work, where he found her drinking whiskey, on the rocks. He debated turning around and walking away for a split second before she turned around, and their eyes locked. There was no turning back then, and he sat down beside her and ordered himself some cheap gin and tonic.

Her lips curled into a smile. The music was playing too loudly for any real conversation, so she leaned in closer to him.

"I never thought you'd touch cheap liquor, Commander."

Her breath tickled his ear, and he scowled, trying to ignore his heartbeat pounding on his skull.

"Well, there's a lot that you don't know about me."

She straightened back up, and he immediately regretted making the statement. Her expression was unreadable.

After a few more drinks, they found themselves in the same exact heated mess as the night of his trial. Only this time, she did not spend the night.

"Why are we doing this, Shiho?"

He asked as she turned the knob of his front door. She did not look back.

"That's a very good question."

Her voice was steady, distant_._ Yzak punched the wall as the door closed behind her.

None of this should have hurt half as much as it did.

xoxox

Four months into his return to ZAFT, Yzak received a call.

When he first saw the unfamiliar number on his mobile display, he froze. He knew that somewhere, deep down, he was hoping it would be her. He just didn't want to admit it.

"_Yzak? Yzak, hey, it's me."_

He frowned at the voice on the other line. It wasn't her, but it was an equally familiar voice.

"Dearka Elsman, what the fuck are you doing back in the PLANTS?"

Dearka left to Orb as soon as his court-martial was over. It wasn't as if ZAFT still needed MS pilots, he reasoned with Yzak, and he had to figure things out with this one girl. Yzak laughed at the idea of Dearka Elsman, the womanizer, chasing after some Natural girl like a lost puppy. That had been over a year and a half ago; since then, they had not talked much except for a few, infrequent e-mails.

Dearka laughed dryly.

"_Let's go out for a drink."_

xoxox

In less than an hour, Yzak found himself sitting in the same bar he met Shiho ten months ago. He had forgotten that it had always been one of Dearka's favorites.

He almost didn't recognize his friend when he walked in. Dearka was always the happy one of the bunch, but the man who stood in front of him was broken. Watching the blonde sit down by the counter beside him, he marveled at the girl who managed to reduce him to this state.

"Long time no see."

Dearka smiled after he ordered his drink, but his eyes said otherwise. Yzak raised an eyebrow.

"What happened with the girl?"

Instantly, the blonde's face fell. He took a deep breath, and slumped back into his chair.

"She dumped me."

"I can _see_ that."

Dearka glared at Yzak, who simply shrugged.

"…It worked for a year, Yzak. We both found jobs and moved in together. But Miri wasn't completely over her dead boyfriend, and her family wasn't too happy that she was living with a Coordinator. And I… well, you know me. I guess wasn't serious enough for her. I don't know."

"What did she expect? I wasn't even aware that you would ever want to settle with one girl."

Dearka's eyes flashed dangerously, and Yzak knew he had touched a nerve.

"Yzak, I _love _her."

"Okay, fine, go on."

"We started fighting a lot. Then she decided that she wanted to become a freelance photographer. Show the world the horrors of war, you know? I told her it was too dangerous, going into warzones and stuff. That was the last straw. She slapped me and told me to leave."

"She sounds like she has more balls than you."

"..I just didn't want to lose her."

Yzak felt a little pang in his heart. He remembered the days toward the end of the war, when the fear of losing Shiho seemingly inspired his every move.

Did he lose her, after all?

"Well, Yzak, what the hell happened to you?"

Yzak snapped back into reality, and realized that Dearka was looking at him. His eyes, his purple eyes, reminded him too much of _her_. He glared, and downed the same cheap gin he drank ten months ago. It was disgusting, absolutely disgusting, but at least it was beginning to fog up his brain.

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

He snarled. But he did not expect Dearka to buy it, and the blonde didn't. They had known each other for their entire lives, after all.

"Come on, Yzak. You look like shit."

He closed his eyes. Dearka looked like the living dead, and if he was telling him he looked like shit, he probably did.

"I don't even fucking know, Dearka."

"You tried to jump out of the Archangel on a piece of scrap metal for her. Must have been a pretty darn hot chick."

"It wasn't like that."

Dearka looked at him incredulously.

"….You almost went on a suicide mission for this girl and _it wasn't like that_?"

Yzak didn't answer. He couldn't answer. He remembered the kisses aboard the Voltaire, the drinks and the empty sex. He remembered how she became his most trusted comrade, and yet had turned into a complete stranger after the war. There definitely had been compassion and trust between them, if only after the Joule team was founded. He knew _that_, at least, was not a figment of his imagination. But he still had no idea what to make out of everything else that happened.

It frustrated him to no end. Yzak had always liked clear cut lines and boundaries. He wanted answers. He wanted to figure out where he stood, what she was to him. If _he_ was ever anything to _her_. It was unlike him to leave so many knots untied for so long, but every time he thought of confronting her, he was always held back.

What if he _really_ lost her this time?

"Man, you are _so_ fucking screwed."

He glared at the blonde before he downed another glass.

* * *

_Pretty short, I know. Again, I apologize for the slow updates. College, man, college. I didn't even realize what I was getting myself into._

_I had a poll up online for a while whether I should call Miriallia "Mir" or "Miri." Although I did onl have 4 people vote, Miri won by 50% so that's what it's going to be._

_Thank you to all of my readers, and I would love, love, LOVE if you could take a couple of seconds out of your time to review._


	14. PHASE 13

Yzak woke up the next morning with a splitting headache. He almost panicked when he realized it was already noon, but relaxed when he realized he had actually remembered to take that weekend off. It was his first break since the end of the war. Both in the council and in ZAFT, there always seemed to be a mountain of things that had to be done. Besides, he liked being busy; it took his mind off a lot of things.

Like Shiho.

But when he received Dearka's call the day before, he knew that Dearka would insist on drinking until they were both completely smashed. He never felt so sorry to be right.

He staggered into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water. The cool water felt heavenly against his burned throat; he made a mental note to never take so many shots in one night. The last time he got mindlessly wasted was before the military academy. Those were fun, carefree days. He filled the glass again and saw his reflection in the water. If Dearka thought he looked like shit the night before, he should have seen him then. He grimaced and gulped down his second glass.

A piece of paper caught his eyes and he groaned. He knew exactly what it was: a notice that the Joule team was being reassigned to frontline duties again. He had no complaints about the assignment itself. The Voltaire was much more of a home than his empty apartment anyway.

But launching meant that he would be needing Shiho again.

Processing paperwork was a simple enough task that went somewhat smoothly even without her. Being out in space was a completely different story. There was no one in his team who could replace her, either as his aide or a pilot. As much as he trusted his team, he had no intention of returning to the front lines without his best pilot. He did not want to take that kind of risk.

He didn't even understand why the assignment was necessary. The PLANTS and Earth were at peace, if only for the time being, and it was insensible to spend unnecessary funds on the military when it could have been used for research. Or anything else that was remotely constructive.

It was complete bullshit, he thought.

Or maybe, it was about time. It had been twenty two months since she was transferred out, and ten since he talked to her last. There wasn't a day when he could keep her out of his brain, and he spent way too much energy being frustrated over her. Seeing Dearka the night before in his shitty ass condition was a wake-up call of sorts. He was tired of this limbo; he wanted answers.

No, not answers. Because he had figured out part of the puzzle, and all he really needed to do was to come out of denial.

He dialed the number he had memorized by heart. It rang three times before she answered.

"_Hello, Shiho Hahnenfuss speaking."_

She sounded so fucking collected, even when she wasn't being a soldier. He took a deep breath.

"Shiho, we need to talk."

xoxox

Shiho appeared in front of his door about two hours later.

She simply stared at him as they sat down in his living room. Her gaze was accusing, asking him _why_ the hell he had even called her. But he had wasted enough time being daunted.

"The Joule team is going back into space."

Her eyes widened slightly.

"I know you are an engineer, and that you would probably prefer to stay with R&D than be a pilot again. But the team needs you, Shiho. _I _need you."

"You could have told me this on the phone."

Her tone was harsh, biting. It felt like they were back in the beginning, when they first met at the bridge of the Vesalius. But there was two crucial differences. Her hostility was not completely genuine; Shiho really was not a great actress by any means. And no matter what happened, he would never be able to hate Shiho again.

"We need to talk."

She looked away.

"There's nothing to talk about."

Her words stung more than it should have. Before the war, he probably would have thrown a fit and walked out of the room right then. But the war had taught him perseverance; some things were worth the pain.

"Is that how you really feel?"

"What are you trying to say?"

He inhaled and closed his eyes.

"Do you really feel that way? That there's nothing to talk about? That I'm crazy for thinking that we actually opened up to each other, that we _shared _anything? And anything that happened between us was just a fluke?"

"…Stop."

"It wasn't a fluke for me."

She returned her gaze to him. Her eyes were sad. Broken. Like Dearka's were, like _his_ own eyes were. Even though the war had been over for almost two years, there were still wounds to be healed and pieces to be restored.

Simply living was part of his penance, but his greatest penance lay somewhere place, deep within her amethyst eyes.

"Then what, Yzak? What if I told you that it wasn't? What the fuck would that have accomplished?"

"Shiho…"

"You don't even know me, Yzak Joule."

"No, no I don't. The only things I know about you are your piloting skills and ability as my second-in-command. And a little part of what you lost to the war. Even then, Shiho, it wasn't a fluke. I don't _do_ shit like that for no reason."

"You don't understand!"

She raised her voice, stunning Yzak. Her eyes were brimming with fear, with desperation, with emotions that had been bottled up inside her for much too long.

"I didn't want to care, I didn't want to get attached! It would have been so much simpler if I could continue to hate you like I did in the beginning, but you wouldn't fucking _let_ me. I started opening up to you, and I couldn't let myself do that!"

Her clenched fist was shaking on the table.

"Then why didn't you push me away the night of the trial?"

"Does it matter? I'm not strong enough to live through losing another person in my life, so I _won't_. I should never have come back in through those doors."

She stood up, heading towards the door. For a moment he watched her in a daze, but sprung after her when he realized what was happening. He was not letting her walk away again.

"Shiho!"

He caught her from behind and pulled her into his arms. She struggled weakly.

"Why, Yzak?"

"Because I was terrified when I realized I didn't know you. Because I desperately wanted that night to _mean_ something. Because…god damn it."

He turned her around.

"Because after two years, I still can't keep you out of my fucking mind."

She shivered under his arms. She slowly, hesitantly, reached for his face. Her hands were cold against his cheek.

"Another loss will break me beyond repair."

"Then I'll come back to put the pieces back together however many times you need."

Shiho quietly stared into his eyes. He could feel the blood rush to his face; he had never been one to throw cheesy lines around. That was exclusively Dearka's territory. The fact that he had just spouted possibly the most cliché statement in the universe was beginning to dawn on him, and he was just about ready to find some dark hole to climb into.

Even then, he didn't regret it, because he had meant every word he said.

Shiho smiled faintly.

"I must be going out of my mind to actually believe any of this."

Yzak scoffed.

"You drove me half out of my mind. It's only fair."

She laughed softly as they shared a short kiss.

That night, they sat beside each other on the couch and simply talked. They told each other anything they could think of: random facts, their life stories, their darkest secrets.

Like how Yzak loathed the color yellow, or how Shiho was a chocoholic. Or about the ridiculous (and mostly one-sided) rivalry between Yzak and Athrun, and how Shiho won a month of free meals in the academy cafeteria by beating the cook (a thirty-six year old burly man) in an arm wrestling match.

Or how Yzak's father was killed in a Blue Cosmos attack when he was seven. How Shiho lost both of her parents, her only family, in the Junius 7 attack.

The only point of contact between them was their intertwined fingers, and yet somehow, it was the most intimate experience they had ever experienced. And for the first time in a very long time, they both felt completely at peace as they saw the morning sunlight wash in through Yzak's windows.

* * *

_I apologize for the fact that I have not been updating. At all really. I am on break now, and hopefully that means more frequent updates..._

_Thank you to each and every one of you! Merry Christmas!_


	15. PHASE 14

In preparation for launching, Yzak was given another Nazca-class ship, the Rousseau, and was promoted to white-coat status.

It was an unnecessary measure. No, more than unnecessary; expanding the armed force was nothing short of a provocation to the OMNI. To the fragile peace they had won with bloody hands. Yzak protested when he was first notified of his promotion. He had no desire to become commander of a fleet; besides, he was perfectly capable of accomplishing any peacetime mission with the Voltaire alone. However, Dullindal –the mysterious man who saved his life who was now head of the Council- insisted, and ultimately, Dullindal's orders were the only ones that really mattered.

Dearka decided to return to ZAFT after a week of moping. It wasn't like there was anything else he could do, he told Yzak. There was no point in rotting away in his apartment like some kind of vegetable. He complained a little about being stripped of elite status upon reenlisting, a consequence for defecting during the War, though he added that he looked better in green anyway. Yzak would have been more relieved by his friend's "recovery" from his breakup if it had been even the slightest bit convincing. The blonde still looked like a lost puppy that had been kicked one too many times, as far as he was concerned.

Yzak sighed as he stood in the hangar of the Voltaire, overseeing the last stages of loading and stocking. It was disconcerting how familiar the mechanic noises and slightly stale air had become; finding a warship homely was not exactly a good sign, especially when he'd felt so out of place for the two years he spent in the real world. It seemed like a reminder that he was forever altered by the battlefield, that he would never be a normal civilian again.

He flipped through the clipboard in his hand as the new mobile suits were loaded onto the ship. Seven new ZAKUs, straight out of the line. He had to admit that he missed the familiar face of the Duel, but of course, the Duel had been scrapped into a useless piece of metal in the last war.

He paused in his thoughts, and flipped back to the page before. He scanned through the list of pilots in his team and their respective mobile suits until he found what he was looking for.

_Shiho Hahnenfuss, ZGMF-1000/M [Blaze ZAKU Warrior]._

He frowned. Shiho loved the CGUE; it was her poster child, in a way, as an engineer who actually contributed to the development of the MS. Unlike his MS, the CGUE was still intact after the war.

He reached for the intercom and messaged Shiho in the bridge to report to the hangar.

xoxox

Shiho walked in to the hangar with her usual confident stride and a slightly annoyed expression. She was in the middle of briefing some of the new additions to the team, and she did not appreciate the disturbance caused by the commander himself. The mechanics who saw her expression smiled to each other: Shiho Hahnenfuss, the only member of the team who was allowed to –and really, _dared_ to- defy the commander was back.

"What in the world do you need me for? I was kind of…"

Her voice trailed off as Yzak turned to her. The last time they actually saw each other face to face was the night they reconciled; since then, they both had been too busy with transfers and preparations and everything else that had to be done.

Yzak's scar, the huge gash that marred his perfect features, was gone.

"What happened to your scar?"

He smirked; it _always _entertained him to see Shiho sincerely shocked.

"I figured I don't need it anymore, Shiho."

Removing scars was nothing compared to some of the things made possible by the technological advancements of the Cosmic Era. In fact, when Yzak was first injured by the Strike in the War, he had to explicitly request to keep the scar. It was an unusual request; he still remembered Dearka's aghast expression when he first revealed it to him. His mother had been mortified as well, pleading with him to fix his face for months before she realized it was futile.

The scar was intended to be a reminder of the humiliation of defeat from the Strike, and later the loss of his teammates. But it had become an irrelevant artifact from the past; the days when he was motivated purely by anger and vengeance were behind him.

Shiho stared at him for a minute before she reached her hand to his face, tracing the smooth patch of skin where his scar used to be. Her touch was oddly soothing.

"I like you better this way."

Her lashes fluttered as she spoke, and he could feel the blood rushing to his face. He felt absolutely ridiculous, like he was a grade school boy speaking to a girl for the first time.

He mentally slapped himself, remembering why he'd called her in the first place.

"Shiho, they assigned you a ZAKU."

She stared at him again, the irritation returning to her face.

"I know. And?"

"What happened to the CGUE?"

She raised an eyebrow.

"I don't know if you've been living under a rock for the last two years, Commander, but the CGUE is an outdated model. It's been off the lines for months."

"But it meant more to you than just a MS."

He could still remember her gentle expression as she faced her CGUE in the hangar of the Vesalius. She simply scoffed at him.

"Yes, I was attached to the MS I developed. I also knew its limits better than anyone else. The ZAKU has much better specs, and I'm not conceited enough to think I can hold my own in a mobile suit five generations old. I thought you needed a good subordinate, not another average one. I _can_ always go back to R&D, you know?"

Yzak looked at her in amazement.

"You know what, Shiho?"

"What?"

"This is _exactly _why I needed you back on the team."

She smirked.

"If that's all you have to say, I'm going back. I know it must come as a surprise, but I am actually pretty busy."

Yzak could only nod, and watched her return to the bridge. As she walked out of the door, Dearka walked in. The blonde did a double take, and approached him with a look of disbelief.

"Who is that, and _please_ tell me she's not taken."

Yzak scowled at his friend.

"_That_, Dearka, is Shiho Hahnenfuss, second-in-command of the Joule team and your superior officer. And you will keep your fucking hands off her."

He snarled, causing Dearka to take a step back. The blonde instantly reached an epiphany.

"That's her, isn't it?"

"Shut up."

"Chill out, dude, I'm not stupid enough to hit on _your_ girl. Especially if she is capable of reducing the mighty Yzak Joule to that kind of miserable dump. Although…"

"Although _what_, Elsman?"

"She _is_ fucking hot."

Yzak glared daggers at Dearka as the he walked away, laughing to himself.

Laughter sounded so hollow coming from such a dejected-looking mess of a man.

* * *

_And so I try to make up for my non-updating for the last few months._

_This is the last chapter dealing with the 2 year period between GS and GSD. Next chapter will be the beginning of the GSD timeline..._

_Hope you enjoyed, and THANK YOU to everyone who took time out of their busy schedule this holiday season to read this :)_


	16. PHASE 15

Peace lasted for exactly 47 days after the Voltaire launched into space again.

The raiding of Armory One and the discovery of ZAFT's newest "Second Stage" mobile suits invoked consternation and anger as a challenge to the peace. However, such minor incidents were soon forgotten in the shadow of a global tragedy that happened soon after.

Operation "Break The World": the Junius 7 drop incident.

The Joule team had been one of the first to be dispatched to the remains of the colony, in an attempt to stop the terrorists from dropping the massive structure onto Earth. But they were already too late; the incendiaries had already altered its orbit, and even ZAFT's most advanced technologies could not fight against Earth's gravity. Despite every attempt to destroy Junius 7 before it fell on Earth, the chunks that reached the surface were still large enough to kill millions and drive even more out of their homes.

The fragile order was starting to crack, and the world was about to step into another era of chaos.

Yzak saluted the Chairman bitterly as he walked into the bridge of the Voltaire.

Dullindal had been aboard the Minerva for some unknown reason Yzak could not even begin to fathom. Along with Chief Representative Athha of Orb and Athrun Zala. When the Minerva decided to follow Junius 7 down to Earth, Yzak was messaged that Dullindal would be arriving to the Voltaire shortly; the Chairman obviously could not stay with the Minerva when there was a chaotic disaster to deal with.

The Chairman smiled when he saw Yzak.

"Yzak, it has been a while. How have you been?"

Yzak felt his brow twitch involuntarily.

"With all due respect, sir, this is no time for small talk. We have opened connections with the ZAFT headquarters and the Council, and they are waiting for you."

"Of course. Thank you, Yzak."

He saluted once more before leaving the bridge completely to the Chairman. As much as he owed Dullindal his life and the seat on the Temporary Council, it irked him that Dullindal allowed himself to smile after everything that had just happened. It was inappropriate. An insult. Almost as if Dullindal wasn't taking the situation seriously.

Moreover, it oddly reminded him of Creuset and _his_ hidden smile under his mask.

xoxox

Yzak stormed though the hallways of the Voltaire, straight to the back deck. It had been a while since he needed an escape from reality, from his emotions.

The door opened, and two pairs of concerned purple eyes turned around to meet his. He threw himself on the nearest chair and slammed his fist on the table.

"God _damnit_!"

The two did not so much as flinch. They simply sat there, bodies completely limp, trying to make sense of the situation at hand which really, made no sense whatsoever.

It had only been two years. Two years since the Bloody Valentine War that caused a deep distrust between Naturals and Coordinators, the war that claimed millions upon millions of live, the war that forever distorted reality for everyone who had been involved.

Two years.

Yzak dug his hands into his hair. They were shaking. His entire body was shaking.

He had thought he did everything in his power to make the situation better. He did not regret the decisions he made in the final phases of the last war, or his work as part of the Temporary Council. But as he watched peace crumble into dust right in front of him, he could not help but think that _maybe,_ there was something else he could have done.

"You know, it might not end up in war after all."

Dearka broke the thick, heavy silence between them. Shiho glared at him.

"Try telling that to the Naturals after they lost their friends and families."

"I'm just saying."

"I know. And you're wrong."

Dearka sighed.

"Where is Lacus Clyne when we need her, huh?"

It was Yzak's turn to glare. Lacus Clyne, Athrun Zala and Kira Yamato all went underground shortly after the conclusion of the war; they were probably trying to regain some peace and harmony in their lives. As much as Yzak understood that, he was still frustrated with the fact that the most charismatic leaders –the very ones who had advocated for peace, no less- simply disappeared without lending a hand to the chaos that happened _after _a war.

When they were needed the most.

Time and time again in the Council, Yzak was reminded of how much could have been accomplished if only _they_ were involved. Just their _names_ could have easily facilitated half the peace treaties that took the Council close to a year to draft. But they were gone, and ordinary people like himself were left to deal with the aftermath.

"Well _obviously, _she's not around. If they didn't bother at the end of the last war, they won't start now."

The blonde sighed.

"You know, they aren't bad people…"

"I _know_, Dearka."

"They all needed a break."

"Because no one else lost anything in the war?"

Dearka looked down. Yzak gritted his teeth.

"Look, it doesn't matter either way. We just have to do what _we_ can do."

The blonde threw him a doubtful glance. What they could do. They were only normal people, after all, and there was only so much a plain individual could really accomplish. Not all of them were destined for the same _greatness _as the likes of Lacus Clyne.

But Yzak knew that there were indeed things that they, as humble individuals, could still accomplish.

"It's the same drill as the last war. We protect the PLANTS and we keep the team alive. Simple as that."

He looked at Shiho, who returned him the faintest hint of a smile. He never would have thought that her simple presence would give him such… strength, he supposed. He had never been so grateful for the fact that another person existed. This was not going to be the last war, when the loss of his teammates nearly drowned him in bitterness and loathing.

He wasn't going to be alone this time.

Yzak looked back at Dearka, who looked slightly confused. He sneered inwardly; Dearka deserved to be lost. This was probably going to be the only payback Yzak would get for Dearka's desertion anyway, and the blonde should have been thankful that he wasn't going through extreme measures to make his life hell.

"Which reminds me, Dearka. If for some reason the Archangel decides to become involved again…"

The blonde flinched a little and closed his eyes. Yzak knew that he was bracing himself for some hysterical shouting. He didn't blame the blonde, knowing himself. He could not help but sigh.

"Before you do anything stupid, _tell me_."

Dearka opened his eyes hesitantly, and for a moment Yzak felt like he had suddenly become a father to a child his own age. Dearka's eyes were so full of disbelief that he thought they would pop out any moment.

"What?"

"If you ever decide to desert from ZAFT and go join them again, tell me first."

"Uh…well Yzak. I'm not sure you fully understand the fact that I'm not suicidal."

Yzak simply scoffed.

"I'm not going to bite your head off. You're nineteen years old; whatever you do is your fucking choice, Dearka. I'm sure you can handle yourself without me having to babysit you 24/7. I would just appreciate it if you informed me of your decision first, instead of going MIA on me for three months with no warning whatso-fucking-ever."

Dearka blinked with a blank expression, looking like a complete idiot in Yzak's opinion. Shiho also looked appalled, although she looked more reproachful than shocked.

"I am going to pretend like I never heard you say that."

She told Yzak darkly, and he gave a wry smile in return. He essentially had just given Dearka permission to desert, which, if the higher-ups ever found out, would have landed him in another court-martial. Not that that was really a possibility; Shiho and Dearka were two of the very few people whom Yzak actually trusted.

Their exchange broke the blonde out of his trance. He smiled faintly and looked away, with just the slightest hint of sadness in his eyes.

"Um... Thanks, I suppose. But I won't. Not this time anyway."

Yzak frowned. It was unlike Dearka to seem so convinced about the future; he had always been a tad too happy-go-lucky for Yzak's liking, dealing with things only as they came by. Besides, the reason why Dearka defected during the war was because he no longer believed in fighting under an organized bureaucracy, which ZAFT still was.

He wondered if there was a reason why Dearka _couldn't_ return to the Archangel.

* * *

_Happy New Years to all corners of the world!_

_Here is yet another chapter... And GSD now officially begins._

_Anyhow, before I seriously offend any die-hard Kira/Lacus/Athrun/Cagalli fans out there... I definitely do not hate these characters by any means. All the bitterness is 100% Yzak and not me. When I really thought about the canon plot, I just thought it would be inevitable that Yzak would be a tad bit frustrated with them. _

_This chapter actually came out a lot wordier than I would've liked, but well. _

_As always, thank you to all of my readers, and especially to my reviewers! Making my day, everyday :)_


	17. PHASE 16

The Joule team was promptly ordered back to the PLANTS, where they prepared to defend the colonies from any possible threats. And the threats did come, much sooner than they had expected.

In under a week, the OMNI declared war, and the Joule team was dispatched to meet the invading forces. Little did they know, however, that the OMNI attack was a decoy; there was an entire separate unit approaching the PLANTS from a different direction.

A separate unit armed with nuclear missiles.

The PLANTS only narrowly escaped complete annihilation through one of ZAFT's newest innovations, the Neutron Stampeder.

It had been eleven hours since the OMNI attack, and Yzak sat alone in his quarters in the Voltaire. There was no imminent threat of another attack; the Neutron Stampeder had obliterated a great portion of the OMNI forces, and it would take them a few days to reorganize. All ZAFT troops were technically on standby, but Yzak knew that most of the soldiers were probably too shaken to be on duty.

Including himself.

He dug his hands into his hair. He did not want to believe what had just happened. Not only was peace officially terminated, but the entire PLANTS had almost been vaporized. His family. His home. His _world_. There was no more denying that any semblance of order or stability that they so carefully constructed over the last two years had shattered.

The door slid open, and he heard a few hesitant footsteps. Two people on the entire ship knew the key to his door, and only one of them was really capable of showing any kind of hesitation. He looked up, and he was met by a pair of equally strained eyes.

"Shiho."

She took a few steps toward him; she looked much smaller than she usually did. She opened her mouth to say something, but she could not seem to find the words. Yzak shifted on his bed and motioned her to sit beside him. She gingerly obeyed. They sat in silence for a few minutes, and Shiho slowly reached for his hand.

"I don't even know why I'm so upset. It wasn't exactly a surprise."

Shiho kept her gaze down while she fiddled with his fingers. Her voice was thin, and her hands were horribly unsteady.

"They just tried to kill us all off. Who wouldn't be upset?"

"Still. We _knew_ that another war was coming. But now that it's actually a reality…"

She trailed off. Her shoulders were tense. If she was trying to feign nonchalance, she was failing miserably. He snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. He felt her relax slightly, and she leaned her head against his shoulder.

"What was it that we fought for, Yzak? What did we stain our hands with blood for?"

"Shiho…"

"We all lost so much, and all we get in return is another fucking war."

Yzak tightened his arms around her.

"It's bullshit, I agree. But we can't rewind time, and we just have to do what we can."

The faces of Miguel, Nicol and Rusty flashed before him. They were only a few of all the lives that disappeared in the battlefield. A miniscule portion of the massive price the world paid for peace.

Their deaths were not in vain, he told himself with gritted teeth. He would not allow it to be in vain.

"Yzak, I am terrified. Absolutely terrified."

Shiho pulled away from the embrace, and for the first time he noticed how deathly pale she looked. Her complexion had always been fair, especially against her dark hair and eyes. But the little color she usually had in her cheeks was completely gone. She was so pallid that she was almost transparent. Like she could easily disappear into thin air.

A wave of guilt washed over him as he realized that she could have been away from all of this back at R&D.

"I'm sorry."

"None of this is your fault. Don't apologize."

There was a hint of anger in her voice. Yzak sighed.

"No. I mean. I shouldn't have dragged you out to the front lines again."

She looked at him blankly for a moment, then she grabbed his face and kissed him. It happened faster than a flicker, leaving him dazed.

"Shiho?"

"Don't flatter yourself, Yzak. I'm here because _I_ chose to be here, and I don't regret that decision. Not now, not ever."

Her amethyst eyes gazed right into his own. Two and a half years ago, when they first met, they glistened with savage fire. Now, they shone with passion and unmistakable strength. With the vivid flame of her life. The raw energy behind her eyes seemed oddly out of place against her pallid skin.

She was absolutely, terrifyingly beautiful.

He reached for her face and she closed her eyes. Her skin was smooth, and he was suddenly conscious of his own calloused hands. He jerked his hand away, not wanting to damage the perfection that sat in front of him. It was a ridiculous notion; Shiho wasn't some breakable porcelain doll. And she most definitely wasn't some fragile damsel who would shy away from a slightly rough touch.

She opened her eyes and looked at him dubiously. He felt like a complete idiot, and quickly looked away trying to hide the color rising in his cheeks.

"Yzak, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

He replied a little too quickly, too harshly. Shiho smirked.

"Are you blushing?"

"Shut up, Shiho."

"What would the crew say if they found out their ruthless commander had such a soft side to him?"

He pushed her onto the bed and covered her mouth with his own. He was only trying to hide his embarrassment, he knew, and he could feel his ears grow warm. Shiho simply looked up at him in amusement.

"By the way, _commander_, you're breaching protocol. "

Yzak scoffed. The clause prohibiting romantic relationships within the military was probably the most flagrantly ignored rules in all of ZAFT. It was simply a matter of formality; everybody understood that ZAFT was mainly comprised of hormonal youths, after all.

"You are too, Shiho."

She laughed, and he scowled.

"Don't worry, I'll be fine."

Her voice echoed oddly in his quarters, and he could not help but feel a twinge of anxiety as he reached in for another kiss.

* * *

_Yes, snails pace updates. Perhaps even slower. But I have not forgotten._

_A million, million thanks to all readers. A million more to all who review._


	18. PHASE 17

The Joule team was officially assigned duty along the defense lines of the PLANTS. Yzak was inwardly relieved that he was not assigned to assist the forces on Earth; he did not like the gravity back on Earth, and going into enemy lands felt too much like taking offensive in a war that never should have happened.

He was especially relieved that they were not on Earth when the Archangel awoke from a two year long slumber.

Yzak, Dearka and Shiho was in the bridge, communicating with the headquarters about another upcoming battle. The operator on the other side had been completely incompetent, and Yzak was getting dangerously close to punching the screen with his idiotic face when an emergency notice interrupted the call.

He remembered the anger in him quickly subside as he ran his eyes through the message, which said that the Archangel and the Freedom had abducted Orb's Chief Representative.

He glanced over his shoulder at Dearka. His expression was a mixture of shock and terror. He looked ashen, almost ghastly.

"Dearka?"

The blonde continued to stare fixedly at the screen as if Yzak never spoke. Yzak grabbed his shoulder and shook him.

"Dearka!"

He looked at Yzak for a brief moment before he returned his eyes to the screen.

"Yzak, please tell me this isn't happening."

His tone was pleading. Yzak raised an eyebrow.

"This notice is real, Dearka. What is going on?"

"…God _damn_ it."

Dearka muttered under his breath before running out of the bridge. Yzak looked at Shiho, who seemed as bewildered as he was. True, Yzak hadn't expected the Archangel to actually show up, or at least not quite so soon. He also did not expect them to kidnap Cagalli Yula Athha from her wedding. He was surprised, yes, but he had no idea why Dearka would be horrified by their return.

Shiho glanced at the folder Dearka left behind.

"I guess I'll go look for him. Find me when you're done dealing with the headquarters."

Yzak nodded, and watched her leave with the folder in her hand. He sighed and faced the monitor again.

xoxox

The operator magically seemed to grow a brain after the urgent notice, and Yzak was able to leave the bridge in under five minutes. He caught up with Shiho as she was entering the mess hall, where Dearka sat, staring into space.

"Dearka."

The blonde looked up, but quickly averted his gaze when he saw them. Yzak frowned as he approached his friend.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Dearka?"

He did not reply. Yzak heard Shiho sigh beside him, and she held out Dearka's folder.

"You left this."

The blonde wearily reached out for it, but his fingers clutched thin air. The folder fell, spilling a barrage of documents all over the floor. The three fumbled to pick them up when Shiho abruptly stopped her hands.

Mixed with the documents was a photograph of a girl. She looked around their age, with brown hair and green eyes. She was smiling with a camera in one hand. She looked vaguely familiar, and Yzak wondered if he'd ever seen her before.

Just as Dearka snatched the photo away with a shocked expression, realization hit Yzak.

_Of course_. She was in the bridge of the Archangel at the end of the last war. He still remembered how she'd glanced at Dearka when they both entered the bridge, and how Dearka smiled at her. What was it that the Captain call her?

Miriallia.

Dearka's "Mir" was Miriallia Haww, CIC of the Archangel.

Yzak cursed at himself for not connecting the dots earlier; it was simple math, really, now that he looked back at it. She was the reason why Dearka could not return to the Archangel even if he'd wanted to. The reason why he was so completely horrified by the fact that the Archangel was back in the battlefield.

"Girlfriend?"

Shiho asked casually. She probably had no idea that she was stepping on a landmine. Shiho and Dearka shared a professional friendship, nothing more. Yzak tensed; the Dearka he knew could be violently defensive. The blonde's jaw clenched, but his response was unexpectedly contained.

"Ex."

She studied him quietly before stating matter-of-factly.

"She's the reason why you've been so angry."

Dearka's head snapped up, and both he and Yzak looked at Shiho in confusion. Dearka had been many things since he returned to ZAFT –distant, dejected, a complete and utter emotional mess- but angry wasn't a word either of them would have used.

"I'm not that much of an ass to be pissed at a girl for dumping me."

The blonde said harshly, but Shiho did not so much as blink.

"You're not mad at her. You're mad at yourself."

Dearka froze. She continued flatly.

"You are mad at yourself for letting her go."

The blonde jumped up, his stance defensive. Yzak could see the veins pop out of his clenched fist.

"What the fuck would you know?"

"Nothing, Dearka. But if this is the reason why your battle statistics have been lousy compared to the last war, then you better deal with it. Call her, go cry to her –I don't _care_ what you do, but you have to pull it together because if in case you haven't noticed, _we're in the middle of a fucking war. _Do you _want_ to get killed?"

Dearka could not seem to find a response to her straight gaze, and slumped back down onto his chair. The earlier tension had left his body, and he sat, dazed, limp. Yzak glanced at Shiho; there was no irritation or contempt in her face, but simple honesty. He did not miss the faintest sign of melancholy that graced her feature as she turned around and walked away.

As Yzak internally debated whether to chase after Shiho or stay with Dearka, the blonde started to chuckle. He watched cautiously as Dearka's shoulders shook until Dearka erupted into a fit of loud, sardonic laughter drawing eyes from the entire room.

"What is so fucking funny, Dearka?"

Yzak frowned at his friend's sudden outburst, but waited patiently for the laughter to subside. Dearka leaned back in his chair with a defeated look.

"Man, Yzak. She is brilliant. Fucking brilliant. I couldn't even figure it out for myself and she just read me like a book."

Yzak remembered all the different times Shiho had shoved the unpleasant truth in his face, and he scoffed at Dearka.

"You can't even begin to understand."

"Probably not. Damn it, she's absolutely right."

"She always is."

"It's kind of terrifying."

Yzak shrugged, and Dearka studied him with a curious look on his face. His purple eyes looked a little less lifeless than they had been since he returned to the PLANTS, and Yzak felt himself relax in what seemed to be a very long time.

"She's got you whipped, Commander."

He sighed at the blonde's snide comment, knowing it was more than true. Shiho had managed to wrap him around her pinky, with all of her strengths and weaknesses, with her infuriating charm, her sarcasm and passion, and the rare moments of vulnerability that made him want to protect her from anything that could possibly harm her in the universe. The idea of Yzak Joule allowing somebody to control so much of him was utterly laughable.

But it wasn't a bad feeling. It wasn't a bad feeling at all.

* * *

_Thank you to every single on of my readers and reviewers. I know I haven't been too great about updating, as I keep saying, but I have a few days off school. I hope to make it up to y'all._


	19. PHASE 18

The Joule team was granted 48 hours of leave –a gift, Yzak had been told, from the Chairman for their incredible contributions to the security of the PLANTS. While Dullindal probably meant it as a kindly gesture, but it only infuriated Yzak. The war situation was getting worse by the second, and it was hardly a wise move to be letting entire teams off duty. But, as much as he hated to admit, his team desperately needed some rest. Every single one of them were completely worn from all the tension of the battlefield.

He was no exception.

He spent the first day with Dearka, visiting the graves of Nicol, Rusty and Miguel. It had become a ritual throughout the months after the First War; he visited them often to tell them the latest news. It pained him that he could not tell them to be in peace, that the world had become a better place, because it had not. He wondered what they would say when they saw the world thrown into the same fruitless chaos that had claimed their lives. Especially Nicol. Nicol was always a gentle, soft one –the exact opposite of Yzak.

Yzak and Dearka silently saluted Nicol's grave, the last of the three they were visiting. The white gravestone, identical to the countless others in the military cemetery, marked an empty casket. Nicol's remains had exploded with the Blitz, and nothing could be recovered. The only things remaining of Nicol was a few photographs and a beautiful piano piece he composed.

The only things from his tragically short, fifteen-year-long life.

"Long time no see, Nicol."

He heard Dearka whisper to the gravestone. They both stood in silence, recalling the innocent smile behind the brave soldier they knew.

_I won't let your death have been in vain._

He gritted his teeth as they both saluted the stone again, this time as a farewell. Both of their expressions were solemn; Nicol had been their comrade, but more importantly he had been their friend. His death was still an extremely painful memory to remember.

xoxox

As they approached the gates of the cemetery, Yzak saw an extremely familiar figure approach from the other side.

"Shiho?"

He stopped, and he could see her slow down as well. He had never even considered meeting her at a place like this, but he supposed it was only natural.

She had also suffered her own losses in the First War.

"Yzak, Dearka."

She nodded in acknowledgement. She stopped walking a few feet away from them, looking a little lost. Yzak was sure his face mirrored the same exact emotion. Dearka suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable.

"So I'm thinking I should probably go now."

Yzak glared at the blonde as he walked away, but grudgingly returned his eyes to Shiho. She had not shifted at all, seemingly frozen by their encounter. He opened his mouth, but it took him a few minutes to find something to say.

"Do you have any plans after this?"

She shook her head. He jerkily reached out his hand.

"Do you want to come over?"

She stared at his hand for what seemed like an eternity before she took it.

xoxox

Yzak tensed as he came out of the kitchen with two mugs of coffee. Shiho was looking distractedly out of the window. They had been completely silent through the car ride back, and Yzak had to muster up every piece of energy he had left to break the silence.

"Were you visiting…_him_?"

Shiho tensed and slowly met his gaze. He immediately regretted saying it; his voice came out much harsher than he had ever meant it to.

"Are you mad?"

Her voice was calm, but her eyes thinned defensively. His reflexes tried to retort, but he held back. Was he mad? He was not sure. When he first saw Shiho at the cemetery, when he realized why she was there, _who_ she was visiting –he felt like he was bashed in the back of his head. In the months since she returned to the Voltaire, they had gotten closer than Yzak had ever thought possible. And in between the kisses and the smiles and the nights spent whispering into each others' ears, he had almost forgotten.

Forgotten about the Shiho Hahnenfuss he first met in the bridge of the Vesalius, the angry, bitter, desperate Shiho that was almost broken beyond repair.

And the death that had caused it.

"It was just a question, Shiho."

"No, it was an accusation."

Her expression was unreadable as she stared quietly at him.

No, he wasn't mad. It had just hurt him when he saw that _his _death was still very much a part of her, that her pain was still not a memory. _He_ wasn't her past; _he _was part of her present.

And damn it, Yzak didn't even know _his_ name.

"I'm not accusing you of anything."

Shiho scoffed and looked back out of the window. With a light thump she leaned her head against it. He felt another pang of pain, greater than the one that had nearly paralyzed him in the cemetery. The ground was giving in under him and he was falling, falling, falling.

"I still see him in my dreams, Yzak. Only once in a while, but enough for it to still hurt."

"…Shiho."

"He's covered in blood, and his limbs are all bent wrong… And he tells me that I betrayed him. That I don't deserve to be alive, and I should be rotting in hell with him."

She smiled wryly.

"Sometimes I almost agree."

Her dark lashes fluttered against her skin. His throat was completely dry. He took a few more steps and pulled her into his arms. He frowned. She had definitely lost some weight; such slight changes were unnoticeable under the standard issue ZAFT uniform. He almost winced at the sharp pain in his heart.

He loved her.

And he wanted to save her, more than anything else in the world.

"Well he's wrong."

She looked up at him a little uncertainly.

"Shiho, all I really care about is that you're here. With me."

She continued to stare at him with her beautiful eyes, and he could feel himself blushing. He had dropped another cheesy line, again. Her face crumpled

"Come on, the coffee's gonna get cold."

She nodded like a young child, a smile tugging at her lips.

xoxox

They spent the rest of the afternoon on his couch. Shiho called it "vegetating" –a well deserved break, free from the anxiety of the battlefield, after so many months in the front lines. Years, really, since both of their lives were centered around war since they were sixteen year old cadets in the academy.

Although the concept of spending an entire afternoon in such an unproductive manner initially revolted him, Shiho's catlike yawn as she threw herself on the couch subdued any kind of resistance in him. He simply sighed before resigning himself to a few hours of laziness and slobbishness –both such foreign concepts to the perfectionist Yzak Joule.

And he had to admit, it was probably the most _wonderful _way to waste his time.

By the time the clock hit seven, the coffee was long gone and their stomachs were screaming to get fed. Neither of them could even muster the will to get up, though, and Yzak suggested ordering pizza. Shiho looked at him incredulously.

"Pizza? Did you just say _pizza_?"

"What, do you not like pizza? How can you not like pizza?"

Yzak frowned. Vegetating and wasting time was one thing, but disliking pizza was reaching a whole new different level of blasphemy. Of course, that was not what Shiho had meant at all, and she simply started cracking up on her side of the couch.

"No, not _that_. Just… I imagined something like pizza would be too…_plebeian_ for your taste."

He gave her a mock-glare which only made her laugh harder.

"I'm a teenage guy living by myself, so _yes_, I do eat pizza."

"Oh god, please tell me you're _not_ one of the guys who pretty much survive on pizza deliveries."

He felt a quick blush creep up into his cheeks. She was absolutely right; Yzak could not cook, or rather, he did not have the kind of patience needed in cooking. On the rare occasions when he was off duty (and for those two long years in between the wars), he survived on pizza and Chinese take-out. Or sometimes, he just didn't even bother. By then Shiho had rolled off the couch and was curled up into a ball on the floor, laughing so hard she almost looked like she was seizing. He threw a pillow at her face before he reached for his phone, which did absolutely nothing to stop her.

It was close to nine when they finished the pizza. Yzak stood up to throw the box away when Shiho's arms grabbed him from behind.

"No, stay here."

She pulled him back on the couch and he found himself staring up at her with the cushions under him. His collared shirt suddenly felt hot and stuffy against his body. She leaned down, the tips of her hair tickling his cheeks. Her lips were twisted in her trademark smirk, but there was something else that flickered in her eyes.

Like a little girl sleeping for the first time without her teddy bear.

"Shiho."

His voice was hoarse. All of his senses tuned in to her warmth, her breathing, her _existing_.

She was absolutely, breathtakingly beautiful.

"Don't go."

Yzak raised his arm and gently stroked her cheek.

"I'm not going anywhere."

And he kissed her like the most precious thing that ever existed, because that was exactly what she was.

xoxox

Yzak will never forget the night that followed.

Or the morning after, when he woke up to her still asleep beside him. It was exactly what he expected life without the war to be like –peaceful, and calm. Just a simple life, where his biggest worry was not that the PLANTS could be destroyed under an OMNI attack, or that Shiho might not return from combat one day. A life where he could wake up, every day, with her in his arms. Where she could be this peaceful even when she was awake.

A life that he wished he could share with Shiho.

He mentally slapped himself, wondering _when _exactly he had become such a ball of sap and overused cliché statements, before getting out of bed to clean the mess they made the night before.


	20. PHASE 19

The war situation turned progressively worse following the reappearance of the Archangel.

The world had been completely divided into two power blocs: ZAFT and the North Atlantic Federation. Even countries that initially objected to the war, like Orb, could not defy the political pressure of the Federation and had joined the ranks of the OMNI. The last haven for liberty and peace was humbled into a lifeless puppet in Cagalli Yula Athha's absence.

Yzak had to fight tooth and nail with the ZAFT headquarters to stay up in space. Most of the fighting was happening down on Earth, and the headquarters wanted nothing more than to send his team down as aid. After all, the Joule team had a near impeccable record in the last war, and he, Dearka and Shiho were among the most highly credited pilots in ZAFT. But he was fighting for the security of the PLANTS, and he made sure that the higher-ups in their comfortable chairs up in headquarters got that fact drilled through their thick skulls.

Consequently, he found out about the OMNI massacre in Berlin and the introduction of the Destroy Gundam through the video message Dullindal addressed to the entire world in the bridge of the Voltaire.

"This is fucked up, dude."

He gritted his teeth at Dearka's comment. The screen in the bridge of the Voltaire was hardly large enough to contain the horror and despair caused by the incident. The entire bridge –and the entire world, Yzak knew- fell completely silent as they watched entire troops mowed down and an entire city annihilated by the Destroys. Death himself would have paled in comparison to the towering, ominous mobile suites lit by the flames that burned Berlin to ashes.

But the Chairman had more up his sleeves than anyone could have imagined.

The image of the disaster was replaced by a series of photographs, which Yzak realized in horror was the members of LOGOS, the largest military-industrial complex that existed in the history of the world.

"_These people are deliberately keeping us from peace for their own personal gain…"_

"This has _yet_ to be the craziest thing the Chairman has done."

Only Dearka heard Yzak mutter under his breath and threw him a worried glance. Yzak kept glaring at the screen, his brows deeply furrowed. He did not like this at all. Eighteen months was definitely not a long political career, but it was long enough for Yzak to realize that Dullindal's statement would shake the very foundations of modern politics.

xoxox

Later that day, as Yzak sat alone in his quarters, arguing with the headquarters for information about what exactly the Chairman's motives were in releasing the video, he received a call with a Minerva ID. Frowning, he cut communications with the headquarters and took it. There was only one person who he even vaguely knew aboard the Minerva, and he was not exactly on friendly terms with him.

Yzak's frown deepened when an all-too-familiar face appeared on the video monitor.

"What the fuck do you want from me, Athrun Zala?"

His old teammate smiled wryly in the screen.

"_Long time no see, Yzak."_

"I don't have time for chatting, Athrun. As you probably also know, we have an extremely complicated situation at hand…"

"_That's why I called."_

Athrun's expression became serious, and Yzak leaned back in his chair waiting for Athrun to start explaining. Athrun looked away from the screen before starting carefully.

"_Look, I know you're probably more up to date with what's going on. I just… I'm not really buying this, Yzak."_

Yzak glared at the screen, and reached out his right hand to terminate the call. The monitor went blank for a moment, until he reestablished communications through a different line.

Athrun looked completely baffled when he reappeared on the screen, and it was all Yzak could do to not curse at that pretty, naïve face that stared back.

"_Yzak, what the hell…"_

"Thinking that Dullindal is a fishy son of a bitch is one thing. Saying that over a ZAFT-administered phone line, after you've already been court-martialed for deserting, is sheer stupidity. Is political tact a _completely_ foreign concept to you?"

Athrun's expression turned into one of shocked realization after a moment's pause, and Yzak could not help but sigh. Athrun was an absolutely brilliant individual, but sometimes he lacked the simplest common sense.

"_Uh… Then shouldn't you not be saying that now, either?"_

Yzak simply sneered.

"This is my personal line, and I can assure you it is secure."

Athrun did not seem convinced, but Yzak crossed his arm and glared at the screen. Finally, Athrun gave in and continued to talk.

"_I just feel like… He's using LOGOS as a scapegoat. Like he's creating an enemy to focus everyone's hate."_

Yzak scowled.

"What the Chairman said is true, Athrun. LOGOS has influence over virtually every government on Earth, and its members are integrated deep into society. Without somehow removing them from the system, there is no hope for lasting peace. Everyone who's involved in politics know that, even Cagalli Yula Athha. _You_ would know that too, if you did not spend the last two years blindly babysitting your girlfriend under a rock on some tropical island."

Athrun flinched, but glared back defiantly.

"_But this is…"_

"Bullshit, I know."

Shocked, green eyes stared at him from the screen, and Yzak sighed again.

"I'm not a fucking idiot. Eliminating LOGOS is important, but _they_ don't fight the war. _We_ do. We're not going to magically enter an era of everlasting peace just by driving them out of the political arena. The Chairman is oversimplifying the process."

Athrun looked down.

"_Yzak, the Archangel was there at Berlin. They were edited out of the clip that Dullindal showed the world. And his Lacus… She's a fake."_

Yzak froze at his friend's confession. He had always suspected something behind that man's patronizing smile, but he could not even begin to imagine how anyone would be able to tell such a bare-faced lie. He clenched his fist on his desk.

"_How could he do something like that?"_

Athrun sounded so lost, so helpless, that Yzak felt anger rise within him. How? Wasn't the answer simple?

"Because that's how politics works."

He hissed, and Athrun frowned.

"Because that's how much Lacus Clyne's name is worth. Lacus Clyne was a hero, and people will buy any bullshit story that comes out of her mouth."

"_But the Chairman is lying to the entire world."_

"If you're so fucking noble, what the fuck were _you_ doing after the last war?"

Yzak snarled, and Athrun's eyes darted up in shock. He continued, his voice rising.

"Keeping the world in peace means reforming the entire system, changing the way people view the fucking world. It's much more complicated than just destroying the Genesis! And where were you? Lacus Clyne? Kira Yamato? The public would have eaten up your ideals. Do you have any idea how much the PLANTS… the _world_ needed you after the war?"

Athrun stammered.

"_But… But _you_ were in the council."_

Yzak scoffed.

"My mother is still under house arrest for political treason, and I was almost sentenced to death for shooting down a civilian shuttle. You don't get very far with a record like that."

"_I'm the son of Patrick Zala, Yzak."_

"Right. And you very clearly rebelled against him. Patrick Zala might have started the war, but everybody knows that Athrun Zala helped end it."

Athrun stared at him in stunned silence.

"…I don't have what it takes to change the world. _You_ do. So tell me, Athrun Zala. Are you actually going to live up to your potential this time?"

Before Athrun could give him an answer, Yzak angrily slammed the button to terminate the call. It was a rhetorical question anyway, and seeing that oh-so-innocent face for another moment would have increased his blood pressure to an unhealthy level. He felt a twinge of guilt at hurling his frustrations at Athrun like that, but irritation greatly overpowered any kind of sympathy he had for his ex-comrade.

What he hated the most about Athrun Zala was not the fact that the younger boy beat him in virtually any kind of competition they ever had, but the fact that Athrun seemed so clueless about what he could accomplish.

His door slid opened and Shiho entered only moments after the call. Shiho was scowling in disapproval, and Yzak subconsciously tensed in his seat. She walked up to his desk sternly and threw both hands on the plastic surface.

"Next time you make calls like that, Yzak, I would suggest _not_ shouting at the top of your lungs so anyone standing in the hallway can hear what you're saying."

Yzak closed his eyes and sunk in his chair. He had always known that his temper would be the bane of his existence.

"…Who heard me?"

"No one but me, because I am just _that_ amazing."

He slowly opened his eyes, relaxing slightly.

"Honestly, Shiho, what in the world would I do without you?"

"You would probably end up dead in some ditch somewhere, that's what."

He smiled wearily, knowing it was more than true. From that very moment when he first asked her to be on the team –those days aboard the Vesalius seemed like an eternity ago- Shiho had constantly been saving his ass. He knew that he could not possibly have come this far without her.

He reached out to her face. Shiho growled, but only resisted for moment before leaning in for a kiss.

She was his savior.

In more ways than he could possibly say.

* * *

_My summer break has now officially started. Which means, of course, MORE UPDATES! I am actually uploading this from the airport, just because I am that excited._

_This is another one of those chapters that deals with Yzak must have had during the 2 years between the wars. No, I swear Yzak is not just being an ass because of their pre-existing differences. I swear._

_As always, thank you to all of my readers, and thank you even more to my reviewers. You keep me going (even when I'm overloaded with college and/or have been travelling for more than 20 hours and am half delirious).  
_


	21. PHASE 20

The war reached its final stages, with Dullindal's official announcement of the Destiny Plan.

The Joule team was dispatched to the moon shortly following rumors that Lord Djibril had escaped to the moon. While there definitely had been some alarming moves on the OMNI's part, not many troops were assembled on their Daedalus Lunar Base, which lead the ZAFT headquarters to think that any attacks would not be happening too soon.

And they probably would have stayed that way had the Joule team not found a colossal cylindrical object floating in the moon's orbit during one of their rounds.

It was one of the rare days where Yzak was out in a MS with his team. Ever since he had been assigned commander, he was usually forced to stay on the Voltaire to oversee his team rather than being out in the field. He did miss piloting a MS horribly, though, and he justified launching that day as a test drive of his newly assigned GOUF Ignited.

Yzak, Dearka, Shiho and two other pilots led the team as they flew over the moon. It had been a fairly uneventful patrol for the most part, and there was nothing that seemed threatening or unusual.

Until, of course, the mysterious object appeared from the horizon.

"_Yzak, what the hell is that?"_

Yzak frowned at Dearka's voice on the intercom. It did not look like any kind of facility he had seen before, military or otherwise. But of course, he was not the specialist in the field.

"Shiho?"

Her face on the monitor mirrored his frown.

"_Honestly, I have no fucking idea."_

Yzak sighed; if Shiho did not know, then nobody else on his team would. He started to type a message to the headquarters, when Shiho shouted over the intercom.

"_Wait! That's a Geschmeidig Panzer array!"_

Yzak scowled.

"English, Shiho. English."

She glared at him through the screen.

"_It's a variation on the Mirage Colloid system. It's usually used to deflect energy beams…"_

Her voice was cut off by a series of missiles fired on them. The team found themselves facing a fleet of OMNI ships. Yzak clenched his teeth at the intrusion; the attack was proof enough that whatever the cylinders were intended for would not benefit the PLANTS in any way, shape or form.

"Voltaire, Rousseau! We are now in condition red, prepare to engage and report to the headquarters! We are destroying this thing!"

He inhaled deeply before accelerating towards the OMNI fleet. It was one of those moments that would define his entire life, and he could not let the entire world down.

xoxox

Just as the Joule team finished off the last members of the OMNI troop, Yzak's radar started beeping in warning. He scowled at the LCD, but the only thing he could make out was a huge heat source building up on the moon's surface. He cursed at the useless screen and barked at the CIC.

"What the hell is going on?"

"_I'm not sure, sir. There's an immense energy build up in the Daedalus Lunar Base, but we can't determine what exactly it is."_

He glared back at his radar when Shiho's voice rang over the intercom.

"_It's an energy beam! This fucking thing is part of a canon!"_

A beam of green light was fired from the surface of the moon before she could finish her sentence. He almost froze as he realized what the cylinders were for and where the beam would hit –they were reflectors to bend the beam so the OMNI could aim at whatever they pleased. And there was one thing they wanted to annihilate more than anything else.

The PLANTS.

He almost started to fly towards the reflector in a desperate attempt to destroy the damned thing, but reason stopped him at the last second. There would be no point, he knew. One MS blowing up against it would not damage it enough to significantly alter the beam. He shouted through gritted teeth.

"Fall back! Everyone, fall the fuck back!"

Most of the team reacted quickly to his command, but three of his pilots were too close to the reflectors.

The light beam passed through, bending at the reflectors, and their anguished cries echoed in his cockpit as their MS were pulverized by the mass of energy. The rest of his team were struck dumb by the sudden loss of three teammates, but that was quickly overridden by utter horror at what came next.

The beam had cut through the PLANTS.

Yzak reached to his controls with trembling hands. He inhaled, trying to steady himself; he could not betray any sign of weakness, not _now_, when his team needed him most.

"CIC, report the damage."

He heard the sound of furious typing over the intercom followed by a feeble voice.

"_The beam hit Januarius 1 through 4, which also caused December 7 and 8 to explode. Estimated casualty is well over a million, sir."_

His entire team fell completely silent until a sob broke the silence. He dug his nails in his fist and slammed it against his controls. The OMNI had wiped out a million innocent lives in cold blood.

What he had been fighting for all along.

His first instinct was to lash out at everything within his reach in the cockpit, shouting profanities at the faceless enemy who had just destroyed a considerable portion of his world. It was too late. He wanted nothing more than to blow himself up, _anything_ to escape from the sudden wave of helplessness and anger that engulfed him. Whatever he had done in the Council, all the angry words he threw at Athrun, were all just a load of bullshit. _He had failed._

Then, he saw the reflector in his peripheral.

Adrenaline suddenly cleared his mind. The remainder of the PLANTS still existed in space, completely defenseless against the massacre by the OMNI. And they _would_ fire again, as long as the PLANTS existed, because that was the one thing that stood between them and their ideal Coordinator-free world.

He needed to destroy the goddamned thing before they took _everything_ away from him.

"Stay with me, team! Our job is still not done!"

Only Shiho and Dearka even seemed to notice his voice. He inhaled and shouted at the intercom with as much force as he could muster.

"Are you all just going to fucking _watch_?"

Little by little, the rest of his team also responded. Yzak gritted his teeth. This was it. If there was any reason why he had been spared through both wars when millions of lives had been wasted away, why he was spared from his death sentence at his court martial, this was why.

This was the one chance he had for atonement. To justify still breathing, existing in the world.

xoxox

The destruction of the reflectors, as well as the main cannon on the Daedalus lunar base, went so quickly that it was almost a blur. Perhaps it was the reinforcements from the Minerva, or the urgency of the situation. Or maybe, his own desperation had made it seem go much faster than it actually did.

By the time Yzak finally returned to the Voltaire, he was so exhausted that his vision was starting to blur. Everything seemed so detached, and it took him a few minutes to realize that one of his pilots who had docked earlier was heading towards him.

It was one of the younger, newer additions to his team –sixteen years old, idealistic, shipped straight from the ZAFT academy only days before the Second War broke out. The young pilot stopped about two feet away from him. His still childlike features were twisted into an expression that was all too familiar. It was the expression used to greet Yzak every morning in the bathroom mirrors of the Vesalius.

"What is _wrong _with you?"

The pilot's voice only reached him as an odd reverberation that he made no sense to him. It was wrong, somehow, but his frazzled mind could not seem to grasp the statement. He simply stared as a barrage of angry words spilled from the pilot's lips.

"You lose three pilots, you see a million people murdered in a flash, and it takes you all of three seconds to be barking commands at us like nothing ever happened? How are you not upset about any of this?"

A few of the crew noticed the commotion and started to gather. He saw Dearka and Shiho's faces in the crowd.

"The rumors were true. You _are_ a cold-hearted bastard."

He felt a spur of anger, but any protests he began did not make it out of his mouth.

The pilot was shaking, glaring at him like his life depended on it. Yzak suddenly remembered that the pilot in front of him was very close friends with one of the pilots he lost to the Requiem. The two were always together, laughing, pulling jokes, acting like mindless teenagers that they were all supposed to be.

Yzak clenched his fist beside him. The young pilot was him, a little over three years ago. Just another young boy, suddenly robbed of innocence by a tragic death. And there was absolutely nothing he could have said to ease the pain.

"Stop."

A calm voice broke them from their trance-like state. Yzak looked over and saw that Shiho had made her way to the front of the crowd. She moved swiftly, gracefully, until she was standing in between him and his pilot.

"The commander was only fulfilling his duties. Your behavior is completely inappropriate and disrespectful."

The younger boy glared at her, then at him, then at Dearka who had finally made his way through the crowd.

"You're all _nuts_! How are you so fucking calm about all of this?"

Shiho's back stiffened and Dearka's face tensed. Calm. Yzak would have laughed at the boy's statement if it were not for the gravity of the situation. They were anything but calm. A few years ago, when they were his age, they too reacted to the pain of the battlefield like him: violence, anger, blame. Trying to find an outlet so their emotions would not destroy them from the inside.

Over the years, they had grown a little wiser, a little more mature.

"As ZAFT soldiers, our most important mission is the protection of our homeland. And we carry that out to the best of our abilities. Sometimes that means we put our emotions to the side and do what needs to be done at the moment. We do not have the luxury to mourn in the battlefield."

The boy fell silent at Shiho's words. It was the little piece of wisdom that they had managed to gather over the years. Wisdom that they never would have known in a peaceful world. The boy crumpled to the ground and let out an anguished cry.

Another child's innocence broken for a war he did not start.

And as he mourned with the rest of the crew for the losses of battle that day, Yzak prayed that whatever future they were fighting for would be free of that kind of pain.

* * *

_And so I'm pulling the focus back a little bit from the Yzak/Shiho drama and trying to shed light on the situation as a whole. Yes, the story is coming to a close... a few more chapters. Thank you all so much for your support and patience. Reviews are always welcome!_


	22. PHASE 21

And, just like the First War, the Second War was drawing to a close.

Thanks to the strenuous efforts by ZAFT, the OMNI was all but completely stripped of any real power. The war was now being fought for something completely different from their original purpose.

The Destiny Plan, which Dullindal had finally uncovered to the entire world.

ZAFT was no longer fighting to protect the homeland for all Coordinators. They were fighting against the entities that protested against a world ruled by an absolute criteria nobody could defy: genes. The Chairman had proposed a completely different kind of reality from the one they lived in. A new world where people were assigned their destiny even before birth. Perfect order, eternal peace –but only at the expense of freedom.

They were to fight against Orb. Against the Archangel. Against those who simply wanted to be able to choose their own future.

Yzak Joule was furious when Dullindal unveiled his master plan, and he was still just as furious as he stormed down the hallway of the Voltaire fifteen minutes before the planned start of operations. He had just given his team some final words, just like in the First War. Despite the years that had passed in between, his basic message stayed the same: survival was just as important as the protection of the PLANTS. He also remembered to add, to the relief of Dearka and incredulity of Shiho, to not engage unless fired upon. By then, even Yzak had accepted that they were _definitely _not fighting on the right side of the war. Besides, there was no justifiable reason to destroy seven perfectly functional ZAKUs, which was what engaging against the Archangel invariably would result in.

And, just like in the First War, Shiho disappeared the moment he dismissed his team, which was what sent Yzak off in his angry tirade to begin with.

No, he wasn't _angry_.

He never really was. Not at her, anyway.

He felt a sense of déjà vu wash over him as he entered the pilot's locker room. Shiho threw him an amused glance as she closed her locker door.

"Fancy meeting you here, Commander."

Yzak almost smiled, remembering the few minutes they shared before the Second Battle of Jachin Due. So much had changed since then, but it seemed like it always came back to the same scenario. He kicked himself off the ground and embraced her; they both floated to one of the nearby lockers.

"I might just have landed myself in another court-martial, Shiho."

She laughed lightly in his arms.

"Yeah, telling your team to not engage with the enemy? Nice one. There's only so many death sentences you can dodge, you know?"

"But this is bullshit…"

"I _know_, Yzak. I know you don't believe in the Destiny Plan, or Dullindal and his sketchy tactics. You've been good about hiding your doubts from the rest of the team, but you're not _that_ good."

He let out a frustrated sigh; Shiho knew him too well for his own good.

"It's just…we didn't come here to defend some delusional asshole's crazy ideals. We haven't gone through all of this to become guinea pigs for some glorified science experiment."

She raised her head and stared into his eyes.

"Your team would follow you if you switched sides, you know?"

Yzak wondered for a moment if she was joking, but her eyes were completely serious. He shook his head; he _had_, in fact, been mulling over that option for the last few days, but in the end he always rejected it.

"Yeah, and end my _entire_ team in a court-martial? Even I'm not that much of an ass."

He paused and ran his fingers through her hair. It was a fascinating process, especially with the lack of gravity that sent her locks floating everywhere. He stopped abruptly and tore himself away.

"Shiho, do _you_ believe in the Destiny Plan?"

The doubt had been eating at his consciousness ever since Dullindal's speech. He himself made it very clear that he did not believe in the Plan the very moment Dullindal's stupid smile disappeared from the screen, but he never had the chance to discuss it with Shiho alone. What if she believed in it? Supported it?

It was an extremely attractive alternative to reality, in theory. Especially to anybody who had lost so much –given up so much- to war.

He was not as shocked as he probably should have been when Shiho scoffed in his face.

"Honestly? _You_, of all people, should know how much I hate being told what to do."

Yzak wished that he could stop time right then and there, simply the two of them, with her unyielding eyes staring into him. He pulled her in by her arm and kissed her lightly on the forehead.

"Be safe."

The words left a bitter taste in his mouth, and he felt her stiffen under his grip. The fact was that another battle would be starting in fifteen minutes, and she would be launching. This moment would not last forever, and she would fly into the battlefield beyond his sight, beyond his protection. The simple thought of it nearly killed him, and he had no idea how he would even begin to appear calm in the bridge when the CIC ordered his pilots to launch.

But this was the unfortunate reality.

"You too."

"Once this battle is done, it'll be over. We just have to make sure our home don't get burned just one more time."

Shiho averted his eyes with a faint, sardonic smile.

"I don't really have a _home_ to go back to either way, Yzak."

He froze. That very night when they finally reconciled right before the Second War started, Shiho had told him how her parents were killed in the Junius 7 attack. It was the only time in nearly three years that he actually saw tears in her eyes. He felt like his heart was being torn out of him, and he needed to do something, anything, to wipe that expression from her face.

"Then come back to me."

Shiho looked back at him, completely lost. He could feel the blood rushing to his head, and the words spilled out of him before he even knew it.

"Come back to _me. _Marry me, Shiho."

Her lost expression was replaced by one of complete shock, and he ruffled his hair trying to mask his embarrassment. He had not been planning on saying those words _ever_, really, and definitely not at that particular moment. It was a cruel thing to do –making promises right as they were approached by battle. By the imminent threat of death. It was a curse, another chain potentially binding them to complete devastation.

But at the same time, it was a link to the future. The hours he spent with Shiho on their last leave gave him a glimpse of what life could be away from the war. What a life with her could be. And he knew that _that_ was what he wanted more than anything in the world.

"You're a goddamned idiot."

"I know."

"…Why?"

Yzak widened his eyes in surprise; he was expecting any response but that. He paused, trying to collect his thoughts. There wasn't just one reason that made him blurt out something like that at the most inopportune time possible. In fact, there was a whole swarm of them buzzing in his head. There really was no way he could put in words every single reason why he needed her, wanted her with him. Why he loved her so much, with all of her perfections and her imperfections.

"Because you are the only person who could get me to say something like this."

Shiho tried to smile, but something about her expression was not quite right.

"If you don't make it, Yzak, I think I'm going to die."

"I'll make it, and so will you."

She wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled into his neck. Her hand against his back was shaking ever so slightly.

"Thank you, Yzak."

She barely whispered before tearing herself away. Her breath tickled the back of his ear, sending shivers down his spine. He pulled her in his arms one last time, holding her tightly so she would not slip away from his fingers.

* * *

_Thank you to each and every one of you. Every single reader, every single review keeps me going._


	23. PHASE 22

When Dullindal fired the Requiem, Yzak knew it was over.

Whatever loyalty he might have held for Dullindal disappeared with the millions of lives that had just been evaporated. The Destiny Plan. A peaceful future.

War.

He was not fighting so they could make the same mistakes over and over again.

Yzak Joule had never cursed his position as a ZAFT commander as much as he did then. He wished he could act simply on his ideals, like so many around him seemed to. But he had certain responsibilities that he could not ignore, that bound him to the suffocating hierarchy and politics within the military.

It did not make it any easier that the "enemy" they were ordered to fight was the Archangel and the Eternal. Athrun Zala, Kira Yamato. Lacus Clyne. Dearka's Mir. They were his old friends and comrades. As much as their actions frustrated Yzak to no end, he knew that in his heart Yzak wished for the same things they did.

All they wanted was a future. A future where they could be free from the pain and suffering that had haunted them for so long. Where they could simply be with their loved ones and be genuinely happy for the first time in their short, miserable lives.

Dullindal's world was not this world.

His conviction only grew stronger when the Archangel and Eternal declared an attack against the Requiem. Just two ships against a wall of ZAFT fleets. It was sheer insanity, but they were right. There was no justice in defending the Requiem, or anything else that had the power to annihilate an entire people.

"_So what are we doing now, Commander?"_

Dearka's voice interrupted Yzak's train of thought. His tone was joking, incredulous almost, but Yzak could see the tenseness of his expression even through the monitor.

The orders were clear: eliminate the adversary.

"_Should we just launch and suffer instantaneous defeat?"_

Yzak growled at Dearka, but he knew the blonde had a point. If they did not engage, it would be seen as a clear act of disobedience towards ZAFT. But he was also painfully aware of the capabilities of Kira Yamato and Athrun Zala, not to mention the mobile suits they piloted.

Not that he had any desire to defend the Requiem anyway.

He scowled. Reason told him to at least feign obedience, to prioritize his goal to keep his team out of trouble. But his passion and dignity screamed for action. He wore the ZAFT uniform to protect his homeland and his people. He wore it because it was the one thing he knew how to do, the one way he knew how to change the world he lived in. Honor. Integrity. Even though he lost his way many times, he always stood firmly by his beliefs. The stakes were high, almost too high, but in the end there were some things he simply could not compromise.

"I'm going."

The entire bridge looked at him in confusion.

"The Voltaire will fall back and _stay there_. Do you understand?"

As soon as he saw his captain give a halfhearted nod, he rushed out of the bridge. It was a rash decision –a selfish and irresponsible one, nonetheless. He was still a member of ZAFT and the commander of his team. He was essentially abandoning his camp, his team, his duties.

But he knew that at least his conscience would be clear.

xoxox

As soon as he started up his GOUF, Shiho's face appeared on his monitor. He could not place her expression –anger, confusion, perhaps even sadness- but there was something heartbreaking about it. A sudden wave of doubt washed over against him.

"_Yzak Joule, what the hell is going through your brain?" _

Dearka's slightly concerned face popped up on the other corner of his monitor. Yzak tightened the grip on his control; he wondered if there was any way he could possibly articulate all of the thoughts and emotions that rushed through his body.

"Shiho."

"_You can't just get up and leave like that. It doesn't work that way."_

"I know, Shiho."

He knew, in his head, that he was doing the right thing. The moral thing. But he also knew that his decision would cause her pain. It seemed so twisted that he would be hurting the one person he loved, the one person who meant more to him than the entire world, by trying to do the moral thing.

How right was right, anyway?

"_Are you _trying_ to get killed?"_

"I need to do this. The Requiem, the Destiny Plan, it's all bullshit. I can't just sit and watch this happen."

"_Please don't do this."_

Her voice was soft, pleading. It was not like her at all to betray any sign of weakness. Yzak closed his eyes; there was no denying the pain in his chest.

"Shiho, I'm sorry."

"…_I'm not going to change your mind, am I?"_

All he could do was shake his head slowly.

"I want you to stay with the team."

The words left a bitter taste in his mouth. He could not ask her to risk herself so that he could follow _his_ moral conviction. He wanted her safe, and staying with ZAFT was the least dangerous choice. It was ironic, pathetic almost, that he would be leaving his post and his team just minutes after he proposed to Shiho.

But then again, sometimes his life seemed like one big twisted joke.

"_No Yzak. If you're going, I'm going too."_

Her harsh tone broke him out of his reverie. He looked at her face in bewilderment, but the purple eyes staring back were strong. Decided.

"Shiho, I can't let you do that. I want you safe. Alive. Besides, the team needs you, especially if Dearka and I both launch."

"_And yet _you _are going."_

"…Yes."

"_I know the risks, Yzak, I'm not an idiot. But this is war. There is no such thing as a 'safe' place. Then I'd much rather stay by your side, even if I end up dying because of it. You're not leaving me behind."_

The pit in his stomach was replaced by a strange warm feeling, and he was suddenly overcome by the desire to reach out to her, to hold her in his arms.

It was then that he finally understood.

She was his, the same way he was utterly and completely hers. There was absolutely nothing in the world that could part them. There were many twists and turns along the way, but at the end of their long, long journey, they had finally a home. A constant. The one thing that made all the pain they suffered worth it.

They shared the same fate.

"Then stay close to me."

"_Roger that, Commander."_

He looked at the two faces staring back at him in his monitor. No matter what awaited him in the battlefield, he would have the both of them by his side. Dearka Elsman, his comrade and best friend. And Shiho, the loyal, fierce, beautiful Shiho Hahnenfuss. They were more than anybody could have asked for. All the fear, guilt and uncertainty slowly dissipated into the air around him until all that was left was a quiet confidence.

"Yzak Joule, GOUF, launching!"

It was enough. What he already had was more than enough.

Now it was time to save the world.

* * *

_I am sorry for my slow update; now I am officially back in school for summer classes, which means I will be updating at a snail's pace once again. Thank you so much for your patience._

_I feel a little bad for Dearka for having to sit through Yzak and Shiho's heartfelt conversation over the intercom. _

_To clarify a little bit though, Shiho does not want Yzak to go because a. she does not want him to leave her, b. she does not want him to get himself into a court martial again._

_Thank you for reading! Please review if you have some spare time on your hands._


	24. PHASE 23

Yzak felt his muscles slowly relax as he watched Station One fall apart in front of his eyes.

They had done it. Or part of it, at least. Countless explosions in the sky still lighted up their cockpits in an ominous shade of red, and their intercom was still barking a million indistinguishable things at them. The chaos and confusion was still there, but it all seemed like some part of a distant dream.

The Earth was safe, if only for the time being.

"_So what now, Yzak?"_

Dearka's voice broke him from his trance, and he quickly glanced over his radar. They had won this small section of the battle, yes, but the battlefield was still very much active.

"We will stay with the Eternal and continue to defend this ship. Copy that?"

Dearka and Shiho nodded in the monitor, and he nodded back in acknowledgement.

It was strange, surreal almost, to see the battlefield from the side they were on. Just three years ago, Yzak had been a young, naive, hot-blooded boy who was almost paralyzed by the anger and grief inside of him. The war he started fighting to protect his people had turned into a battle he fought to escape his pain. He just needed an outlet so he would not burst into flames on the spot; he needed to be able to blame somebody else, so he did not have to carry the weight of his own mistakes.

He had changed since then. This was no longer a battle to escape from himself, but it was a battle to protect the things he held dear.

His future.

He glanced at Shiho's face in the monitor before accelerating into space.

xoxox

It seemed like a miracle that the Orb forces would be able to hold its own against ZAFT. Orb was still reeling from its defeat only days ago; ZAFT had every advantage, in terms of manpower, arsenal, organization.

But in the end, they had prevailed.

They had saved the future of humanity.

The entire battlefield fell silent as the remains of Messiah slowly fell to the face of the moon. Nobody moved –nobody dared to move, awed by the scene unfolding in front of their eyes. They were the witness to the end of another long, bloody war. They were also witnessing any possibility of Dullindal's perfect, fantasy world fall to pieces.

A fantasy that had meant the world to some.

Yzak, Shiho and Dearka were also among those who looked on in awe, until an anguished roar pierced the stale air in their cockpit.

"_What have you done?"_

It was a man's voice. Older, perhaps in his fifties. It was desperate. Pleading. Yzak knew that voice all too well; it was the voice of someone who had lost a loved one.

The kind of person who would have eaten up Dullindal's ideals, the vision of a perfect world where nobody else would have to suffer like himself.

It took all of them by surprise. They were still dazed from the destruction of Messiah, but an even bigger part of them was perplexed –simply, genuinely perplexed- at the man's words. _But they had done the right thing_. They had fought for liberty, for freedom, for the future. Their brains were too overwhelmed to make sense of the man's words and understand why he was upset.

It only took a second.

One of the countless ZAKUs that now floated aimlessly in space slowly pointed its beam cannon towards them. Just as a flash of light left the cannon, Yzak realized in horror what the pilot was aiming at. He frantically pounded on his controls, but his reaction was slow. Much too slow. Pure, unadulterated terror engulfed him, and an unearthly roar, scream, _something_, left his throat trying to reach her before it was too late.

A ray of light pierced Shiho's cockpit.

And then, darkness.

* * *

_Thank you for being patient with my incredibly slow updates. I truly, truly appreciate that you're taking time out of your busy day to be reading this._

_More updates coming soon... (I hope)_

_Please review!  
_


	25. PHASE 24

Yzak does not remember how exactly he got himself and what was left of Shiho's MS back to the Voltaire. In fact, he almost wishes that he could forget the entirety of that battle, the war, and the terrible, terrible loss that came with it.

As soon as both mobile suits were secured on the hangar, he jumped out of his cockpit. His thoughts were incoherent, a jumbled mess that pounded heavily against his skull. He simply knew that he had to get to her as fast as he could. He needed to move faster, _faster_, so that he could get to her in time.

In time for what, he simply refused to acknowledge.

It took longer than an eternity for the mechanics to pry Shiho's cockpit door open. The severe damage to the MS had caused the frame to shift and parts of it to melt. The mechanics' expressions were grim as they struggled with the ZAKU; while they worked with urgency, Yzak could see that none of them believed Shiho would have made it.

_She is strong_, he told himself. _Stronger than any of us_. He held on to that smallest fragment of hope because he knew his entire world depended on it. On _her_.

But even he could not deny reality when they finally cracked open that door and dragged her outside.

She was still conscious. Breathing. But only barely. The lower half of her body was completely mangled, and even through her bright red pilot suit, Yzak could tell she was bleeding too much, too fast. The unmistakable smell of death –the blood, the burned flesh, the complete and utter despair– filled his lungs. He saw a few of the crew avert their eyes at the sight. He almost wished he could too.

Instead, he collapsed on to the floor beside her. The rest of the crew watched, frozen in horror at the gruesome fate of their beloved officer. Even the medics stood back; there was nothing, absolutely _nothing_, that anyone could have done to save her.

"Yzak."

Her voice was barely a whisper. Her beautiful features were paler than they had ever been. He tried to respond, but the bile and tears in his throat choked out any word that he could have formed. He reached for face with trembling hands; she was too cold. Much too cold.

"Yzak."

She repeated, but this time the sound barely even left her lips.

"You'll make it through, Shiho. Everything will be alright."

He sounded utterly unconvincing even to his own ears. Shiho let out a sarcastic laugh, which only turned into a series of bloody coughs. His fingers shook violently as he tried to wipe away the blood from the corner of her mouth.

"I wish."

Her gaze was strong, unwavering, even at the brink of death. Her calmness was unnerving.

"Thank you. For everything. For giving me a glimpse of what life could be."

"Shiho…"

"I wish I could have lived that life with you."

She winced and gasped for air. Her breathing was shallow, rapid, uneven. He wanted so badly to ease her suffering, but the only thing he could come up with was a confused, utterly unconvincing jumble of words.

"Stop talking. You will be fine. Everything will be okay."

Shiho shook her head ever so slightly, which was enough to silence Yzak. Her lips parted again, but her words were nothing more than air. Yzak quickly pulled himself closer to her; he dared not miss a single letter of what she said. The very last words that she would leave with him.

"Promise me… that you will live on. For me."

Even though he held Shiho as tightly as he could in his arms, he could feel Death's cold hands slowly pull her away. There was no more time.

After all the years that they had fought for the world, for a future, for themselves, there was no more time left for what they had yearned for since the very first day they met.

"I love you."

And with a final draw of breath, she was gone.

Forever.

A deep, deep sorrow filled the air as the rest of the crew lowered their heads, but all Yzak could feel was an intolerable pain, like he was being torn into a million different pieces.

There were no words that could possibly have described the total and complete despair that smothered every fiber of his being as he realized that he would never hear her voice, or feel her warm embrace, or see her amethyst eyes glitter with any kind of emotion –sorrow, anger, passion, _love_- again.

There were a million memories whirling around in his mind. Her dark lashes fluttering against her pale skin. Her cool touch tracing his jaw. The faint floral scent that followed her wherever she went. Feverish kisses. How perfectly she fit in his arms. Her tears, her scars. Ice cubes clinking in her glass of whiskey. How she would whisper his name into his ears while they made sweet, passionate love.

The short-lived, beautiful dream they realized in the pilots's locker room before the battle.

All of it, gone.

He had never even told her that he loved her.

"Shiho!"

An anguished roar escaped from his throat as he drew her cold body to his chest. A soft sob broke out from the crew.

There was nobody left who could answer to that name.

* * *

_I hope that this was not too anticlimactic. I tried to make it very emotional but I'm not quite sure how successful I was. I hope I was able to convey to the complete heartbreak that Yzak had to experience._

_Thank you so much for your support, there will be an epilogue coming soon...ish... to conclude this whole saga. I swear that there will be some redeeming, happy things that will happen then._

_Meanwhile, I have written a spin-off of this fic called _Loose Ends_. This is a Dearka/Miriallia fic, which will also tie into the epilogue a little bit. If you have time, please read that one too!_

_Again, thanks so much, please review!  
_


	26. PHASE 25

The funeral of Shiho Hahnenfuss was a very modest affair.

She had no family to speak of, and her only friends were in the military. In the end, the only people who attended the funeral were the core members of the Joule team and a few of her old friends from R&D. It was a very intimate, short service, just the way she would have liked it. Shiho was never one for formalities anyway.

Yzak remembers every single detail from the funeral, from the parting words by the priest to the color of the flowers placed on her casket. Somebody tried to comfort him, saying that at least he had a body to bury; he could not comprehend how the concept of burying her deep underground, all alone in the darkness, was in any way comforting. That was the last thing she wanted: to be alone.

Her face was peaceful, beautiful. Nobody would have guessed that inside her casket, her body was a mangled mess of what resembled charcoal more than a human body.

He exchanged brief words with the guests after the service. They were all very sympathetic, with their tears and their words, but all he could wish was for them to leave. The entire process caused him nothing but unbearable pain. Some members of the team who had known the both of them lingered for a little, out of sincere concern –they knew what the death of Shiho Hahnenfuss meant to their commander- but they left once Yzak made it very clear there was nothing they could do to help.

There was nothing _anybody_ could have done to help ease the pain of having his soul ripped apart.

Yzak stood, alone, in front of the gravestone –just one of the countless new additions to the graveyard installed after the conclusion of the war. He could not think. His brain simply refused to address the fact that she was dead, underground, gone, _forever_.

All he wanted was to hold her in his arms and to tell her that the long war was over. That they had fought long and hard, and they had lost many things on the way, but it had all been worth it in the end. While nothing would ever be able to replace their comrades or family, they at least had a bright future in front of them. They had finally found comfort in a world that had been nothing but cruel. After devoting so many years to service, to their country, they were now free to live to make themselves happy. All they wanted was an ordinary, plain, peaceful life. A nice home, maybe a few children, a dog?

At the end of it all, they weren't even allowed that.

Yzak swore loudly and fell to the ground. He pressed his palms against the fresh dirt, as if doing that would bring him closer to Shiho.

What did Shiho get out of life, anyway? She was robbed of innocence by a war that never should have been started. She had devoted her life and passion to the military, trying to do what she thought was right. Then she fell, just like countless other unnamed heroes that the world so easily used then discarded. She meant nothing to the world that she died for.

But, goddamn it, she meant the entire world to him.

Tears started to form behind his lids, despite the fact that he had been sure every last drop had been wrung out of him. He had no idea if they were caused by anger, or bitterness, or simply by how completely unfair fate had been to Shiho Hahnenfuss.

xoxox

Yzak spent the following month either drunk out of his mind or hunched over throwing up his guts from the copious amounts of alcohol he had consumed. There was no other escape from the terrible sense of loss that haunted him wherever he went. The splitting headaches and terrible hangovers were still so much more bearable compared to the emotional pain.

He was a complete mess, and he knew, but he could not bring himself to care. He had lost all will to carry on.

Yzak Joule had become a living corpse.

Surprisingly, it was the usually flaky Dearka who stuck with him through the darkest hours of the night. The blonde visited his apartment regularly to make sure he had not died over the course of the night, and dutifully relayed messages from the rest of the team. He even took out the recycling a few times; Yzak probably would have drowned in glass bottles if it had not been for Dearka.

"Yzak, _man_, you need to get your shit together."

Dearka said as he opened the door on one such evening. The phrase had become a kind of greeting between them. Yzak glared at Dearka before stumbling onto the couch and took a swig out of the glass he was holding. He could not even remember what the brown liquid in his glass was. Dearka sighed and sat down across from Yzak.

"No, I'm serious. I know you're going through hell right now, and I'm not even going to pretend that I know what it's like. I don't. But _this_ is fucking ridiculous."

"Get the fuck out of my face."

"Dude. Really."

"Fuck off."

The exchange summarized every single conversation they had since the end of the war. Yzak had refused to listen every single time, choosing instead to mourn in the most destructive way possible. The blonde sighed again with a little more frustration than usual.

"What would Shiho say if she saw you like this? Do you honestly think she wanted you to drink yourself to death?"

The mention of her name sent a sharp wave of pain through him. He slammed the glass down on the table and growled.

"What the _fuck_ do you know about Shiho? You don't know jack shit about her, or her life, or what she meant to me."

Usually the conversation would have ended right there with another sad sigh on Dearka's part. But this time, the blonde shot him a cold glare and threw down a disk onto his lap.

"I know less than you, and I can still tell you that she would never have laid a finger on a hopelessly drunk, useless idiot, which is exactly what you are right now."

"What's with the fucking disk?"

"It's data that some tech dudes retrieved from her MS."

Yzak raised his eyebrow. His memory or logic was not particularly reliable at that moment, but as far as he could remember there was no way to save any data on the mobile suits. He stared at the disk, unable to understand what Dearka was trying to say.

"What do you mean, _data_?"

"She hacked into the operating system and did some magic. I don't fucking know, I don't do technology. But that's what she was doing while she was bleeding to death in that cockpit. That's what she left _you_."

A sudden wave of sobriety washed over him, accompanied by unbearable nausea and a drumming heartbeat. _What did Dearka just say?_ There was another remaining piece of her left in the world. His hands started to shake. He stared at Dearka, unable to form any more coherent thoughts. Dearka stood up, and added with a heavy tone.

"I think you owe it to her to at least take a look at it when you're _sober_."

Yzak could only stare at Dearka's back as he slammed the front door behind him.

xoxox

Yzak didn't need much time to sober up. As soon as he heard Dearka say her name, he was thrown back into the cold, hard reality. He stood up and poured himself a glass of water; he wanted to laugh at his shaking, unreliable hands that could not even turn the tap on at the first try. Whatever had happened to that perfect soldier he once was. The mere fact that he was alive was miraculous, considering the number of times he had been broken, torn apart, thrown down to the ground.

He shouldn't have been alive. Not when Shiho was dead.

He took the disk and crawled to his laptop that was buried under a million sheets of paper. He looked around his apartment; it was absolutely filthy. Shiho would have gotten a kick out of the empty bottles and cans, dirty laundry, food wrappers and paper that littered his apartment.

He inserted the disk into his laptop with unsteady hands, and waited for whatever data that was in there to show up.

He thought his heart would stop when a video started playing on his screen.

It was Shiho. The image was noisy from all the damage and static interference the MS was experiencing, but there was no way he could ever forget her face or her voice. Shiho, the beautiful, beloved, wonderful Shiho, who had been his entire life and existence.

_"…zak…Yzak…"_

She winced and let out a series of bloody coughs. The scenes from _that day_ flooded his mind: holding her in the hangar of the Voltaire as the fire slowly left her body, only being able to watch as she died a slow and painful death, the crew having to pry him away from her cold, mangled, beautiful corpse. His first instinct was to shut the damned thing off and to return to the drunken stupor that at least numbed the pain.

But he watched on.

_"I hope this is working, and I hope this eventually gets to you. I don't actually know what I'm doing right now, so I guess you'll just have to see."_

She paused, and smiled a wistful smile.

_"I am not going to make it. I'm not a big fan of pessimism, but there's a hole in the middle of the body. So I won't be coming home. I am sorry."_

Yzak could not comprehend what in the world she was apologizing for. She was the one who died. He had decided to defend the Eternal and to turn against ZAFT. If he had been an obedient soldier and stayed with the Voltaire, if he had not rebelled against ZAFT, if he had not insisted on following his "morals" just so he could have a clear conscience – Shiho would not have died.

He was the one who should apologize.

_"If I mean a fraction of what you mean to me, Yzak, I'm going to guess that you are probably a dysfunctional mess right now. And because I know you and your ridiculous tendency to take responsibility for everything that happens around you, I'm also going to guess that you might even blame yourself for my death."_

She chuckled a little, or as much as her quickly-failing body would allow her to.

_"Don't give yourself that much credit, Yzak. You don't have that much control over things. This happened because I was not paying attention. And I didn't come here with you just to be with you. Ultimately, I decided to do this based on my principles, and I am proud to have done the right thing."_

Her familiar sarcasm was oddly comforting, and Yzak felt his expression soften for the first time in a very long time.

_"The only thing I regret is that I couldn't come home to you."_

The half-smirk on Shiho's face disappeared, and was replaced by an absolute and complete heartbreak. A clear streak appeared on her bloodstained cheeks.

He had never seen Shiho look so vulnerable before.

_"You saved me when I needed it the most. I wouldn't even have made it through the First War without you. After the hell we lived through, Yzak, _you_ were my salvation. You gave me a reason to carry on, to want to survive the war, to maybe even hope for a future beyond it._

_Thank you for giving me a place to return to."_

Yzak felt his throat tighten.

_"I love you. I think we were both too wary to say it out loud. We've lived in this fucked up world too long, and neither of us wanted to acknowledge the world could take another thing away from us. But there's not much else that can break me at this point, so I'm just going to say it. I love you, Yzak, with all of my heart._

_And because I do, I need you to keep living. You deserve better than this. You deserve to accomplish something, to find happiness. Live a full life. For me. Do everything that I couldn't. Promise me, Yzak, that you won't just give up on the world."_

Shiho grimaced in the screen, then broke into another coughing fit. The image seemed to shake as violently as her cough; her MS was giving out, just like her body.

She laughed softly.

_"I love you."_

Her voice was so soft that it almost was disappeared against the static in the background. Then the image cut off. Shiho's face disappeared from the screen as suddenly and unexpectedly as it had appeared.

Yzak could only stare at the blank screen, unable to decide whether the video had eased his pain or made it worse. Recalling _that day_ was torture in itself, and seeing her again, to be told again that she was now part of an irreversible past, was nothing short of heartbreaking. But did he dare believe that there was any salvation for her? That he had been able to make her life something remotely worth living?

Only one thing was for sure: she could read him like a book even in death.

* * *

_Man, I officially suck at updating things. This is officially the second to last chapter, though. I officially just have the epilogue more to go._

_And, if any of you are interested in a Dearka/Miriallia spinoff that is set between this chapter and the epilogue, make sure to check out my other fic, _Loose Ends.

_Thank you for your time and support. I always appreciate reviews, and I hope this chapter has been worth it!_


	27. PHASE 26

Rebuilding the world was no easy task.

The second war had been worse than the first, in a way. It made people wary of peace. Made them doubt that any of it was actually going to last. "Peace" worked for barely 48 months the last time –even when billions upon billions put in a grueling amount of effort to restore sanity and normalcy in the world, one fanatic individual was enough to destroy it all in the blink of an eye. There was not an inch in the world or in people's hearts that hadn't been broken, trampled, or shredded to pieces, and it was difficult for anybody to be optimistic about the absence of war.

It was especially difficult for those who lost too much of their own worlds to the war. Like Yzak.

After the month he spent in drunken stupor, Yzak returned to his post in ZAFT. His team carried on as though nothing had happened. Nobody asked questions about why he had been absent, though everybody had some idea, and nobody mentioned Shiho's name unless it was absolutely necessary. He was extremely grateful; it was the best consolation his team could have given him under the circumstances. There were some unwelcome comments by outside observers, about the seeming calmness in which the Joule team accepted the loss of one of its key members. But Yzak knew that they were all mourning with him, albeit silently. The way she would have liked it.

He had hoped that the pain would eventually subside. In the mean time, he worked like a madman, spending virtually all of his time at the office. It didn't distract him anywhere near as much as he needed, but it was still better than nothing. Dearka expressed his concern a few times. Yzak supposed that putting in over a hundred hours a week was, indeed, a little unhealthy. But it was a much more constructive escape than alcohol, and that was the end of that conversation.

The pain never went away, but over the years he slowly learned how to live with it.

He was never able to completely accept the death of Shiho. The mention of her name continued to send sharp pains through his chest, and he continued to look for her warmth beside him every morning only to be disappointed. He still wondered, sometimes, what life would have been like had she survived. And it still hurt. It hurt like a bitch. He still occasionally fought the desire to shut himself off from the world, to return to that drunken state where he couldn't think of anything but at least the pain wasn't so bad –but in the end, her words had kept him going.

_"Promise me, Yzak, that you won't just give up on the world."_

Of course, any possibility he had of finding true happiness died with Shiho, but contrary to popular belief, he was not completely miserable.

Chairwoman Clyne offered Yzak a position on the council, not long after the war. He politely declined; his experience in the council after the first war was more than enough evidence to him that he was simply not suited for politics. Another reason, one he never admitted even to Dearka, was that leaving ZAFT felt too much like severing one of the few connections he still shared with Shiho Hahnenfuss. So he remained in ZAFT, and a few years later, found himself as the National Defense Committee Chair. By that time, his worked had ceased to simply be an escape, and he no longer needed to put in hundred-hour weeks just to keep himself sane. Leading ZAFT, which had been officially converted into a peacekeeping force, was an extremely rewarding job that he grew to appreciate.

His personal life was a little more bland. He kept in touch with his friends and former comrades, even though their busy schedules kept them from seeing each other too often. There was a large, gaping hole in his life where Shiho used to be, but he was happy to leave that space open. It was not like anybody could even come close to replacing her, anyway.

Once, his mother ran him through the PLANTS database in hopes of finding another companion for him. She had a much harder time accepting that her son was willing to die a bachelor than his friends and teammates. He did not blame her. Despite her ruthless politician image, Yzak knew that Ezaria Joule wanted nothing more than to retire and become a normal, doting grandmother.

The results came back with a single name with a thick black line across it, signifying that she was deceased. He laughed a dry laugh when he saw it; according to the regulations requiring an 80% reproductive compatibility for marriage, Shiho Hahnenfuss was the only person in all of PLANTS that he could have married anyway. Shiho, who in the eyes of the rest of the PLANTS, apparently was nothing more than a name on a paper whose existence could be discredited by drawing a line across it.

His mother, and the rest of the world, left him alone after that.

The world probably remembers the transition to peace through the actions of the heroes of war.

Lacus Clyne became the chairwoman of PLANTS immediately after the war, a post she held through popular election for 23 years. She thoroughly reformed the political structure of the PLANTS, making the rise of another Patrick Zala or Gilbert Dullindal a logistic impossibility. Kira Yamato , the Freedom, served as ambassador of Orb to ZAFT for a few years, then briefly served in ZAFT. He retired from his military career when he married Chairwoman Lacus Clyne, after which he led a quiet, unpublicized life as one of the forerunners of aerospace engineering.

Athrun Zala, the Justice, served as the ambassador of the PLANTS to Orb. He eventually emigrated to Orb, where he returned to Orb's military and became an admiral. His choice surprised many who knew him personally –Athrun was always somewhat torn about pursuing a military career- but Yzak suspected it had to do more with Athrun's relationship with Cagalli Yula Athha. The name Zala, or their relationship, was by no means welcomed wholeheartedly; Athrun needed to prove himself to the citizens of Orb. The couple eventually did wed, many years after Lacus Clyne and Kira Yamato, but their marriage and lives continued to be a heavily publicized and often controversial affair.

The world started to slowly, but surely, heal itself.

And Yzak was happy that the world knew how to rebuild itself, even though he himself could not.

* * *

_So I lied. This is the last chapter, and THEN the epilogue will happen. Which I swear I will upload within the next 72 hours. _

_A million thanks to all of you for taking time out of your busy day to read my fic. A billion thanks to those who have been with me since the beginning for having the patience of a god (a god, I tell you) and dealing with the ridiculously slow pace of my updates._

_Thank you, thank you, thank you... and reviews are very very much appreciated as well._


	28. Epilogue

_The true heroes are the ones that history does not remember._

Yzak Joule knelt down in front of a gravestone that had become all too familiar. He carefully lowered a branch of balsam to the ground in front of it and stroked the marble. His motion was fluid, practiced.

He wished he could become as used to the pain as he was to the motions that came with it.

"Shiho."

He whispered as he traced the name on the stone. The hand in front of him was no longer that of an ambitious youth, but of an experienced man.

Twenty years had passed since the end of the Second War.

The world was experiencing the longest period of undisturbed peace in the history of humanity, thanks to the tireless efforts by Lacus Clyne and Cagalli Yula Athha. The War had faded into a distant memory, and the younger generations born after the War only knew it through the print in their history textbooks.

It was a different world, a different time, from the troubled one of his youth.

He smiled, knowing that it probably didn't extend fully to his eyes. It had been twenty years, but he was still too heartbroken to truly smile. He also knew that he probably looked older, more wary, than others his age. He was not alone. Sometimes he would pass by another who looked just like him –the eyes always gave it away. Men, women, aged beyond their years by some terrible loss that they could not undo. Sometimes they nodded, or sometimes a simple look was enough, but they would acknowledge each other and their loved ones who would never return. Then they carried on with their broken lives as best they could.

He was one of the lucky ones, he supposed. He was able to restore some resemblance of a life after Shiho had gone. He knew many others who never did.

Yzak closed his eyes, picturing the beautiful, impossible brunette who still held so much of him in her cold, unmoving arms.

Whenever he visited her grave, there always seemed to be too much to say and he could never find the right words. So instead, he simply repeated her name, trusting that Shiho would be able to pick out the unspoken words from the sweet syllables of her name.

"Shiho."

He opened his eyes to see a pair of sparkling amethyst eyes and long brown locks. His heart stopped beating for a second before he remembered that it wasn't _her_. It was silly, really. The girl in front of him was barely seven, her features too round and soft, her hair too red. _The eyes_, he concluded. It was always the eyes.

"Uncle Yzak!"

Her bell-like voice made him laugh, and he surprised himself by how genuine it sounded. This girl was probably the biggest single help he had received over the years in making his world livable again. He reached out his arm and ruffled her hair. She pouted, and Yzak made a mental note that she was growing too old to enjoy being treated like a baby.

"Daddy said that you would be here. You're going to be late for the ceremony."

She said matter-of-factly while tugging on his arm, the same way he'd seen her mother do to her father countless times. He laughed again. She was a little angel, really. Sweet, charming, and most of all, innocent. A child born into a world where peace was the norm, a child who did not know the despair and bloodlust that accompanied war. She was his hope –hope that everything they fought for had not been in vain.

"Where is your father?"

She turned around and pointed at two familiar figures in the distance.

"Over there!"

Dearka and Miriallia waved when they saw him looking their way. Dearka quit ZAFT and moved to Orb as soon as the aftermath of the war was more or less contained. The two had been happily married for over fifteen years, with three beautiful children: two teenage sons and the baby daughter with the amethyst eyes. Yzak stood up slowly, and gently patted the girl's shoulder.

"Why don't you go ahead? I'll be right there after I say bye to Shiho."

She looked at the smooth gravestone and nodded hesitantly before trotting off to her parents. She was still too young to understand why her parents and Yzak treated a white rock like a person, but she picked up on the heartbreak in her godfather's eyes and the silent respect in her father's.

"Do you see her, Shiho?"

He returned his gaze to the marble and ran his fingers over the comforting coolness.

"The world has changed this time. We did something right."

He could hear the crowd gathering somewhere far away for the twentieth memorial service of the war. It was originally a quaint ceremony that was Chairwoman Clyne and Chief Representative Athha's idea. Over the years it had evolved into a grand, diplomatic event held in the PLANTS and attended by every chief-of-state in the world. Yzak brushed the dust off his dress uniform and checked his watch. It was time to go.

"I used to think that I was just waiting to die, to see you again. But I want to see her grow up, Shiho. Make sure that everything stays right, so that she can have everything that we couldn't have. Can you forgive me for making you wait a few more years?"

He thought he heard a familiar chuckle in the wind.

"I miss you."

With a final stroke, he turned around and started to walk.

Today marked the twentieth anniversary of the end of the Second Bloody Valentine War.

But Yzak still remembers.

* * *

_And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of this fic._

_Just a few clarifications, in case I wasn't being clear enough. The little girl Yzak is talking to is Dearka and Miriallia's youngest daughter (Dearka has purple eyes, and Miriallia is a brunette... hence her physical appearance. Because genetic obviously works like a simple addition problem). She is also Yzak's goddaughter (and Shiho is kind of an absentee godmother in this household, I suppose). The couple has two sons who are considerably older than her. My thinking is that this lucky girl is probably spoiled rotten by her doting father, her two brothers, and an over-protective godfather. I left her nameless because I felt the fic stays a little more genuine that way. If you know what I mean._

_Of course, if you want to read the story of how Dearka and Miriallia got back together after Dearka moved to Orb, please check out my other fic,  
_Loose Ends_._

_Thank you all so, so much for supporting me through the years. Yes, years, since that is how long it took me to finish this. I feel like it is by far one of my strongest fanfics, and it would not have been possible without each and every one of you. Thank you. Again, and again, and again._

_Reviews are always, ALWAYS appreciated as well._


End file.
